WOEBOT

Woebot Retires.

I've been so busy at Dissensus that this blog should be regarded for all intents as purposes as iced. I'm not saying I won't EVER do stuff here again, just that for the forseeable future it's a pretty unlikely prospect. Everyone has my permission to cleanse WOEBOT from their linksbars (tiny tear).

If you do fancy seeing what I'm rabbiting on about you can check this link to my Dissensus profile and hit "Find All Posts". There's already a huge amount of stuff there which, were it not in bad faith to do so, I'd claw back here.

Discographisme Re-Creatif

Junkies should check out this new book by Patrice Caillet called "Discographisme Re-Creatif" one hundred and twenty eight pages of reclaimed sleeve art that Patrice and his crew have found in car boot sales, second-hand stores and other dead zones. The stuff I've seen is exquisite, extraordinary. I got roped in really late to help avant-garde poster boy Gwen Jamois translate Patrice's very thoughtful preface into English, so blame me for any bad grammer. I also sent Patrice one of my own sleeves:

a thoroughly goofy cover drawing I did as a teenager for my damaged copy of Lee Dorsey's "Yes We Can". It still makes me laugh.

Blowing my own trumpet.

• Carl Wilson quotes my Shanty House theory in the Saturday edition of Canada's The Globe & Mail.
I'm sure you'll agree that it was inordinately generous of Carl to credit me.

• FACT magazine have taken me on as a columnist.
What were they thinking?

• You'll see my liner notes for the A Guy Called Gerald reissues ('28 Gun Bad Boy' and 'Machine Room Sessions') sometime early next year.
I'm STOKED about having had the opportunity to contribute to this.

• I seem to be getting a few more reviews into The Wire Mag.
Hooray!

Dissensus.

I'd been thinking recently that "we" could do with a really decent "culture" discussion forum, an impartial zone, and decided to do something about it. It's pretty much established wisdom that ilm has become at once monstrous (the largest music forum on the web?) and not as fun as it once was. I for one have always been a bit timorous of posting there, it's roamed by some well-known savage egos, unchecked by the even the slightest formal beauracracy. Two recent threads spring to mind as examples of it's corruption, where individuals have been needlessly picked apart by vultures. Of course disagreement is essential, but (and call me a wet liberal if you like) ugly inconsiderate behaviour the like of which is fairly commonplace there is totally unacceptable.

There have been some sparks of inspiration let fly recently at ilm, the Kraftwerk Romance thread for one, but by and large I scroll down the New Answers column and fail to alight on anything I want to read. I went out with Tom Ewing the other night, the architect of the forum, which started life as the Freaky Trigger comments box, and he confessed he never posted there anymore (with the exception of occasional points in the Comics forum and on a recent rolling "Best of 2004" thread).

There are other forums in "our" immediate area, John Eden and Paul Meme are veterans of both uk-dance and the Blood & Fire Message board (the former of which, if not uncivilised, can become intensely combatative) but neither of which really have the simple breadth to encompass the range of topics it seems people want to discuss. Forgive me when I remark that uk-dance actually feels a wee bit anacronistic these days. It's also interesting to note that some of the bloggers who form a part of this particular network cut their teeth online on message boards, Mark Fisher played a large part in the theoretical fireworks at alt.movies.kubrick and it might surprise you to know that before I was writing solely about music I was most often found at a variety of intensely technical Digital Video Forums like Creative Cow, Postforum, DMN Forums, 2-Pop and the Newtek boards. Indeed it's my years of experience at these places which lead me to suspect that boards needn't be hell-holes, that it's possible to have a forum where people don't go around behaving like cunts to one another, rather where people can exchange ideas and information.

Without further ado I'd like to draw your attention to Dissensus. Mark Fisher came up with the name and has come on board as a joint Administrator with me. In the very loosest sense it's a WOEBOT/k-punk joint production, although I hope that doesn't mean you know EXACTLY where to go when you want to slag either of us off ;-) It's taken me some energy to set up (and a lot more hard cash!) and at the moment it looks a bit like a naff training shoe (though I'll probably streamline it in time). I'm not expecting it will be enormous, indeed I hope if it grows at all (!) it stays small and intense like a tangerine. Absolutely everyone is welcome to go there, and I mean EVERYONE, with the caveat that if people don't treat others with a certain amount of respect they will be unceremoniously struck off the register; the software's ability to trace people's IP addresses will mean they'll be unable to sidle in with another avatar. If there's anything I'm dreading it's this. Hopefully the thing will run peaceably by itself and I wont have to bother playing god, cos it's not about me. Enjoy.

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1471

Donation.

From: xxxxx xxxxxx
To: 'Matthew Ingram'
Subject: RE: Donation.
Date: Thu, 17 Jun 2004 09:16:40 +0100

Dear Mr Ingram,
Many thanks indeed - that's very kind of you. It's always good to hear that
students have enjoyed using the Library!

Best wishes,

xxxxx xxxxxx
*********************************************
xxxxx xxxxxx
Subject Librarian (Music)
xxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx Library
xxxxxxx xxxxxx
xxxxxxx xxx xxxx

Tel: xxxx xxx xxxx
Fax: xxxx xxx xxxx
E-mail: x.xxxxxx@xxx.xxx.ac.uk

-----Original Message-----
From: Matthew Ingram [mailto:alias@hollowearth.org]
Sent: 16 June 2004 12:10
To: xxxxx xxxxxx
Subject: Donation.

Hi there,

I was a student at the University and got great pleasure from your Music Library.

Accordingly I've donated the following to your collection:

PARTCH, HARRY PARTCH: COLLECTION: VOL1
TOURE, ALI FARKA: RADIO MALI
XENAKIS: LA LEGENDE DEER
CAGE, JOHN: SONATAS & INTERLUDES

Which HMV will be delivering to your care at the library itself.
Naturally no kind of inscription/note of donor is necessary.

Best,

Matthew Ingram

Another Satisfied Customer.

Date: Wed, 19 May 2004 12:00:59 +0100
From: G Master
To: alias@hollowearth.org
Subject: wotcha woebot

you are both a pompous twat and an ignominious fool. your pathetic, onanistic, self-serving rants and tantrums stand as a monument to the introspective idiocy of music 'critics' within the blogosphere. Rest assured that everything you release through your ridiculous mail order system will be on soulseek and kazaa within a month - i'll personally guarantee it! Now get back in your box.

Back Soon.

My "will-to-blog" has evidently taken a bit of blow, it's as much to do with the fact that with the ethnographic records thing I realised I'd become a bit hollowed-out. I'm going to take three weeks off, I've booked our first proper family holiday for two years, and I imagine I'll come back bursting at the seams. In fact I've been working on one particular thing for months, which if I can pull it off, may surprise. This isn't the end.

Blog for Sale.

Gwen dropped me a line to say he's doing a gig with Richard at Le Palais De Tokyo in Paris this Saturday. Apparently they're going all "concrete", he's promised me a recording of the show. I'd give a fingernail to attend, all Paris crew get down there ya hear me!

Gwen also shoved some JPEGS over of things he's listening to at the moment:

Filling me with the usual mixture of envy and admiration. It's as well he popped some stuff over to fill the gaping void at Woebot. Four days, is that a record? I've been considering selling the blog. Well you can sell a business can't you! You know, thriving publication, lots of punters, great design, well-defined demographic, room for expansion into advertising, own webspace, pre-installed Moveable Type application. Then someone else could do it! Great!

They'd just have to work hard (for free!) to share all their cherished insider knowledge with a bunch of ignominious twats. Put up with the fist-pounding of self-obsessed pompous little pricks still tied to their mother's apron strings, the nit-picking of ineffectual sociopaths, the inconsiderate hollow and coarse baying of snobs and gluttons, all the time trying (rather pathetically) to hold onto the idea that treating other people with respect is the only way to make the world a better place.

I keep finding myself at this point with alarming regularity.

W
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..y

....d
......o

..........I

...............b
...................o
.......................t
............................h
...................................e
.................................................r

.................................................................................................?

MCs do Bloggers.

Massive respect to MC D of the Aylesbury Allstars (aka David Hendley) who took the time to put this together. I approached Dave last year about their "Buss Red Light" track, and I thought seeing as how he and the crew act as moderators on the FWD forums, that he'd be an easy person to enlist. I'll admit I filled him in on the background pretty thoroughly. See if you can work out who this is:

keyboard tapper
keiron's papa
don dada
at the top of the ladder

made nuff cash
with energy flash
rock book will make a splash

Excellent! I couldn't have done better myself!

Lulu's Animal Roundabout.

Vinyl Amnesty.

Jeez I'm a saddo. This was a Promo which accompanied the second Network Techno Compilation. Nice wider grooves and fatter production than on the elpee. But Look! I've painted over the label so as to disguise from my brother the fact that I've nicked it off him.

My most excellent brother stumbled across this remark yesterday in the Detroit piece and proceeded to have a bit of fun with me, enquiring as to whether I knew where his Vice 12" had gone. I got in quite a sweat and confessed to it's theft and that, yes, I had also stolen another of his records, the 4Hero 4Track12 pictured above. This was no mean feat of honesty on my part, I'd hidden this record from him while we lived together and have subsequently steered the conversation away from all matters pertaining to Dego and Mark. Recently I've contemplated buying a copy myself and returning the goods, like a real man, but it keeps on getting pricier and pricier to replace. Last week I saw a copy in Reckless in Camden for twenty five quid! "Ghosts" is tune on this one.

Before I start congratulating myself I ought to say that stealing records is twattish. It's even worse than downloading mp3s! Toby has donated them to the "Woebot Museum" and reflected: "When it comes to records you are not the master of your own actions. The devil is. I understand this and pity you ;) " He's got a lovely turn of phrase my brother, and in this instance he's quite correct, and in honour of his outstanding generosity I'd like to spill my guts on all the records which have, by the process of osmosis, found their way into my collection.

------------------------------------

Early Thefts 1987-89

The Sex Pistols: Never Mind The Bollocks.
I stole my copy of this from one Edmund Nourse. He was a good friend of mine in the year above me. My deception was canny. I had a copy of "Flogging a Dead Horse", another Pistols record, and switched this leaving him with the original sleeve and an inferior recording. In 1995 I sold this record, and the Music and Video Exchange quailed at my botched swap, giving me a mere pittance for my trouble.

Dexys Midnight Runners: Searching For The Young Soul Rebels.
The Woodentops: Giant.
Both stolen from my best mate Freddy Elliot, and both returned years later, by which time I think he'd lost interest in them. I subsequently bought "Giant" again.

Neil Young and Crazy Horse: Everyone knows this is Nowhere
A record I still cherish, stolen from a boy in the year below me called James Bailey. It looked like it might even have been his Dad's copy.

Lenny Bruce: American.
Lenny Bruce: Ku Klux Klan.
I was mad about Lenny Bruce for years, read up all about him, still have lots of books on him and even gave a lecture to my school on him (preaching for years believe!) However I was unable to find any recordings of him in action (now I've got that Carnegie Hall gig tucked away somewhere on cassette too). Of all my thefts this one I am most ashamed of. Genuinely ashamed cos these two lovely records came from the collection of my friend's grandfather, a lovely man called Bob Dyk. Bob died some years ago at which point it became unfeasible, even offensive to return them. I made some kind of cosmic gesture by giving his youngest grandson my original edition of Lester Bang's "Psychotic Reactions and Carburettor Dung", my bible for a long time. I miss that book, but it's gift in no way makes ammends.

The Waterboys: This is the Sea.
I think I nicked this off a contemporary at school called James Herbert. Though it might have been Alex Balfour's copy. Sold it in 1993. 3 Hail Marys.

Mid-Period Thievery 1990-1994

John Cage and Harry Partch Joint LP.
The Roots of The Blues.
Karlheinz Stockhausen: Gesang Der Junglinge.
Karlheinz Stockhausen: Telemusik.

All stolen from my University Library. Once again a canny bit of theivery. I had coveted these records for the longest time, and plotted their relief intensely. I took some of my shittiest twelve inches into the library, substituted the vinyl (as I had done with The Sex Pistols record) and made a speedy getaway, perspiring furiously. Wonderful recordings all, I have regularily lamented their lack of sleeves, and may one day make good my crime and return them (by which point it'll be wall to wall CDs there).

A Purple Patch. Thefts 1994-1996

Vice: Constant Ritual.
4Hero: The Head Hunter.
Reese: Bassline.

All of which were stolen off my brother, the last of which (on green vinyl, drool) I only recalled I'd nicked when I scoured my collection last night (oops!). Of course he's welcome to them all back, but, simper, I'd really like to keep them. Slightly off the point but Toby doesn't do TOO badly off me. In recent years I have given him doubles of the following: A Guy Called Gerald's "Magical Musical Midi Machine", Trinity's "Chapter 2", Lady Stush's "Dollar Sign" and Marvellous Caine's "Hitman". He also gets heavy data bundles, so I do generally treat him with respect (and so I should).

Lost Entity: Bring that back.
International Smoke Signal: Warriors Dance 12".

Adore these. Shamefully nicked off my buddy Rafs. You can have them back feller.

------------------------------------

Lest you be thinking that I'm a man of few morals I should like to point out that I have desisted in this ghastly activity (since 1996), have never stolen from a shop (too cowardly, only close friends, family and worthy institutions!) and when I was entrusted with a box or so of Keith and Watty of Pure's records on my trip to Senegal in 1993, they ALL came back. Don't worry Keith. In classic hypocritical fashion I never lend out my records and lose sleep over my collections theft.

Should anyone discover through reading this (such is the power of Google) that I have (coughs) done them an injustice, I will gladly make ammends and then some. Sorry.

Ego Trippin'

Still chuckling after Simon's hilarious, surreal piece on the love affair between bloggs and grime, and excuse the tone if you will, I was prompted to pick up one of his points: "There is a latent grandiosity to blogging because there isn't actually any physical limit to how many people could tune in." Well exactly how many people are tuning in?

Sitting in the studio last night, though the vibe was high, the phone was doing anything but running off the hook. I'd tuned in to Resonance earlier on the week to hear two very human types (one of the London Electric Guitar Orchestra) complaining that no one ever calls in. They even detailed a scam which some renegade had run at the station. The person (blimey, sorry for sounding so wooly, don't know ANY of the names in question!) bought 20 packs of Walkers crisps, each of which according to the rubric might have contained a ten pound note. The scammer announced on air that they potentially had two hundred pounds to give away, and that people should contact the studio. They fielded quite a few calls apparently. I wonder if all this "That's 32 missed calls for that track" on the pirates is a load of spin? Come to think of it, when a friend ran a pirate station in, was it 1991, we were up to the same tricks.....

OK I've got the modesty bollox out of the way now. The fun thing about doing the blogs is that the feedback is excellent and very gratifying. I've had some cracking emails recently: Jassi Sidhu saying he was glad I enjoyed the album, one from Wm Marston AIA a self-professed "55-yr old white middle-class American guy", hilarious unpublishable behind-the-scenes stuff on Vincent Gallo from Stuart Argabright and club class analogue synthesiser drooling from Kirk Degiorgio:

It's not just the emails which are fun (I've now collated the addresses of 298 people who have contacted me through Woebot - juat wait for the spam people.....) it's also the stats. The very conservative daily average of hits right across the site is 10,000. This frequently goes up to 15,000. Obviously the amount of JPEGS I post here plays some part in this. However the daily figure for hits solely on the frontage has gone steadily up to 650! That's a lot.....isn't it? I'm sharing all this with you primarily to pump my ego, but if you do enjoy coming here you might be consoled to know that you're not alone. Natch other blogs are much more popular, go and have a look at Technorati's Top 100, and feel very small. But HA! I'd like to see them talk about skronky music!

Woebot on the Kosmsiche Show.

All London crew tune in to Resonance FM 104.4FM at 10pm GMT tonight. International massive can get the show streamed online here.

I'm going to be joined by Ninja Record Dealer Sacha Dieu, and he's been briefed to gently take the mick out of me. That's right folks we'll be TALKING this time, no more simpletext speak'n'spell bollocks.

The angle is Kosmische so don't tune in expecting a Desi-tastic Grime-iferous selektion. The guvnor, Jim "The Astral Bunny" Backhouse, the cool ruler himself, has instructed me to "explore my Beatnik tendencies." I guarantee it will be AWESOME.

Misery.

I found this and this very depressing.

What annoyed me most was three things:

1) The bloke starts off by saying:

"I downloaded "Taakre" on its recommendation and am impressed."

It's not a fucking mp3 guide.

2) While he meticulously sublinks images off the site, he can't be bothered to put in the only link that matters:

This one to an online store where you can actually BUY the music.

3) If I'd wanted to post it on those forums I bloody well would have done it myself. None of the people who actually read it there seem even half interested in it. The sublinking screws with my bandwidth also.

I did my best to sabotage the thing, really out of wilful perversity. This sort of crap makes me HATE the internet and the respectless attitude to other people's work it seems to engender. People assume everything is free and ripe for pillage. I can even see this in my own stuff online and it makes me want to pull the plug.

You're all in deep shit!

Breaking News.

The Mothership.

I'm jumping for joy! Thanks a to feat of knuckle-headed persistence and by pushing a lot of buttons I've managed to move the TWANBOC Blogger files, the Wanking Tramp Reviews AND the earliest TWANBOC posts to Woebot. It feels great to have them all in the same place, now generations of future schoolchildren will be able to ZZZzzzzzz.

To mark this auspicious occasion I've put together a really rather marvellous teeny-weeny document. In it are all the fruits of my insights into the wonderful world of coding for blogs. I have a similar txt file always on my desktop which I use to copy and paste code out of. I would post it here, but in the HTML environment it would render itself invisible. Seriously, you've GOT to see this!

Best LP since, I dunno, 2001 at the very latest...

Kanye West: The College Dropout.

Not Downloadable.

I reckon the Merzbow Mercedes must be the opposite of a downloadable Mp3.

Shopping in Soho in Scary Detail.

Tim

Bought: Red Astaire 12"

Brian

Bought: Monkees CD (apparently includes rare stuff among the hits), The Animals Singles CD, Keith West "Excerpt from a Teenage Opera" 7", Paul Jones "Thinkin' Ain't for me" 7".

About Brian: Brian is trying to launch his own AM radio station and is passionate about Mono recordings. He got ripped off to the tune of $5700 by someone in the states who promised to build him an AM transmitter and is now building his own ("should have built it myself straight away") The cost of setting up an AM pirate legally is substantially lower than an FM station. Brian reminisces fondly about the days of Radio Caroline.

Mel

Bought: Ani Di Franco CD.

Tom

Bought: Vintage Dread Volume 2 Double LP.

Milo

Bought: A vintage New Wave Compilation LP (festooned with old stickers), Greasy Rock'N'Roll Compilation LP.

Julian

Bought: Salsoul presents Disco Funk Flavours LP.

Coilin

Bought: Winleys Disco Breaks Vol.3 LP, Densel Williams LP, Eryka Badhu 12".

About Coilin: Over from Ireland. He can't find these things over there. Apologies to Coilin for not putting the correct accents on his name.

George

Bought: Starsailor 10"

Peter

Bought: Some Heavy Metal CDs, including the Sworn Enemy CD.

About Peter: Peter is a Heavy Metal DJ from Oxford.

-

Many thanks to the above. Keep shopping dudes!

Everything you ever needed to know about fish's hearing.

Vashti Says.

"Thankyou so much. So great.

Very best wishes."

Been listening to little else this week. "Just Another Diamond Day" heartily recommended to all and sundry. Can't BELIEVE it took me so long to find this record...

Ear.

This morning the Postman delivered an envelope seeping blood.

Pop Depression Update.

My mood is slowly improving.

You've been Woebotted.

That'll learn 'im.

Spotlight on Doobie.

My friend Doobie works for Max Read (Carol "The Third Man" Read's son) selling Limited Edition Prints and Multiples. Multiples are things like Piero Manzoni's Can of Shit.

Doobie has sold a lot of Dada/Fluxus stuff to Thurston Moore and recently we were chatting on the subject of Maurizio Kagel:

"We used to have a multiple by him...it consisted of a pair of scissors, with a larger loop of metal holding the handles of the scissors apart...thus creating a necklace...nice..."

Doobie's bible is the heavyweight "Contemporary Artists" tome by Colin Naylor & Genesis P-Orridge [sic]. He's also confessed recently to stocking some 7"s by Richard Long, though he's unsure what's on them.

Anyway, he needs a hand. He's got this Canadian 7" in and wants some info on it. Better still, I guess, a price he should put it out on sale for.

Ian MacKay! Isn't that the Minor Threat/Fugazi bloke?

So drop him a line if you can shed any light on it.

My Blogz.

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Blissblog

Bunnywelt

cAREFUL kID

Catch Dubs

Citta Violenta

CNWB

Cozen

Crumbling Loaf

El Mundo Perdido

Emerald Daze (Puppy can't hold his ale!)

Erase The World

Grevious Angel

Gutterbreakz

House at World's End

I Feel Love

K-Punk

Matos

Naked Maja

Original Soundtrack

Phillip Sherburne

Pillbox

Rambler

Shorthand Agony

SFJ

Silver Dollar Circle

Skykicking

Some Disco

Spontanaeity Palette

Technicolor

Tufluv

Uncarved

Wisdom Goof

Worlds of Possibility

World of Stelfox

Yes/No Interlude

Zero Interrupt

1471

-

Abstract Dynamics

Bassnation

Blogistan

DJ Martian

Gabba Pod

Hyperdub

It's All In Your Mind

Job de Wit

Kin

Le R*ck est M*rt

NYPLM

Spizzazzz

Stylus

Nice.

Thanks to Doobie for these

Normal Service Will be Resumed Shortly.

Burning Decks.

Tune in to Resonance 104.4 FM at midnight tonight for a Woebot "Burning Decks" session. Expect massive choons and a casual approach to beat-mixing (yawn). Shouts to all crew.

Doctor in the House.

In an email headed "Get over it love", Matt Cogger (Neuropolitique) writes:

Go for a walk.

Get some fresh air.

Get over it.

Thanks for the advice Matt.

Red Peril.

Courtesy of Blogistan.

Home.

Blissblog

Heronbone

K-Punk

Worlds of Possibility

Emerald Daze

Gutterbreakz

Uncarved

Grevious Angel

Somedisco

Technicolor

The Original Soundtrack

SFJ

Skykicking

Spizzazzz

I Feel Love

Citta Violenta

Blogistan

It's All in My Mind

Tufluv

Matos

Erase the World

Woebot.

The Stamps.

I dreamt last night that I was at my friend Charlie's birthday party. Charlie looking absentminded.

In the background was this strange music; sounding like a shambling folk-oi group. "Part-time Punks" meets singalong down an East-end pub. I asked Charlie what the band's name was:

"The Stamps," he said.

I was thrust into their pop video, which for some reason I can tell you was on a DVD. Sitting in the concrete garden of a four-story council-estate block, the band seemed quite small arranged around a large round table, all wearing various ethnic garb, with faces artificially blackened or yellowed in accordance with the continent they were representing.

Let's see if Brian Eno Googles his own name.

Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno.

The tension is killing me!

Is it gonna be my truncated 1,000,000 word Junior Boys review replete with personality shots of the JBs by David Bailey and an artist-sanctioned DIY online mix kit?

Am I gonna film myself giving out free mp3 CDs outside the Oxford Street HMV in a crocodile suit with a "TWANBOC Recommended" Placard?

Have I attempted to redesign The Pillbox's graphical interface? (Aw where IS Ian?)

Only time will tell.....

The "bIT oF cRAP" Summer Holiday Competition.

Roll up! It's the "bIT oF cRAP" Summer Holiday Competition!*

First prize is this wonderful Batacada LP, one of my few remaining doubles. I paid next to nothing for it. Utterly funky percussion which sounds like it was recorded in a cave (deep, dark, natural echo...echo...echo...) My friend Sacha pays his rent with this record! It's the bomb!

All you have to do is answer these following questions:

1. What colour was the Heron Luka saw at the canal?
2. Who did Ian come "this close" to writing the official autobiography of?
3. Which husband of Elizabeth Taylors' squares with the vigorous k-punk aesthetic?
4. How much did Marcello reccommend paying for the Kym Marsh record?
5. Why did Simon like the Mark One vs Plasticman 12"?

There will be a draw of the winners and the successful applicant be contacted by representatives of this blog to acquire their terrestrial address and provide the necesssary counselling in the event of such a drastic swing in their fortunes.

The competition closing date is 12.00PM GMT (natch) Thursday 14th August. Whereupon the correct answers will be revealed! The booby prize, a clean copy of Oxide and Neutrino's "Up Middle Finger", will go to the person with the most preposterously incorrect answers.

Spizzazzz Spaz.

we dont like "in da pub" and if you all thought we did you should read closer and stop listening to your worst premier beats of all time compilations.

I was dead surprised when E Crunk over at spizzazzz lashed out at me after I threw them a friendly link. I didn't think there was anything wrong with him! He doesn't get "In Da Pub", that's a genius record. That's what I like about these avant-garde funny records (Kevin Blechdom's "Bitches without Britches", (Not) Chris Morris's "Batty Dread" and 50 Pence's "In Da Pub") they're all examples of true devotion spilling over into humour. They're more serious than the straight-up copy. "In Da Pub" isn't really a comedy record anyway, it's practically the apogee of bashy culture, more so than a million Def Jam Imports. Added to which it's a pleasant antidote to the increasingly boring formulae of Ghetto Fabulous rap. Ever since the best producers lost their way (Timbaland, NERD), and "The Stars" (Jay Z, Beyonce, Ja Rule, Ludacris) took over I've been losing interest.

It's dead strange being bitten thus by E Crunk (seriously, are you alright mate?) because he's not your usual Hip-Hop bore. When I went into Mr. Bongos the other day (more backpackers than C&J Sports) they scoffed when I asked whether they had the new Joe Budden record. Over here the divide between "true hip hop" and "what is not" firmly excludes the popular stuff. Though Fat Beats in New York, the West Village's finest Hip Hop store, while full of pasty-faced twats looking all down-home and serious, has absorbed the platinum stuff and mixed it up with everything else (watch the racks of the Undie stores over here long enough and you'll see it slide in).

Looking back over a childhood of misspent record purchasing I realised recently that the records I took MOST SERIOUSLY were piss-takes as well. The Butthole Surfers "Locust Abortion Technician", Pere Ubu's "The Modern Dance", Public Enemy's "It takes a Nation of Millions..." and every bit of Ardkore I ever bought. I still hate Frank Zappa. And don't think for a minute I'm endorsing irony.

Ah E you're just mad cos I picked up Lil Missy from the BBC in my Morris Minor and felt her knee at Shepherd's Bush. "You Posh Loser!", she said when she slapped me, "I say!" I said. Anyway I thought you liked my DJ Premier comp, at least that's what you said when we matriculated from Media Studies at Cardiff.

Hey man, take it easy.....

Just got this postcard from David Sylvian. He's down on the beach with all the other bloggers. Dammnit, I'm sure that's Reynolds riding the surf! Sylvian said my hair piece was infested with errors. He always uses Alterna Shampoo and only EVER lets Nicky Clarke near his barnett. Sorry 'bout that David.

Get Well Soon...

...Dizzy.

Photos of the Best Two Second-hand stores in New York.

At last I get into real trouble.

Got an email from Nellee Hooper. WHAT! Thats right, Nellee Hooper! He calls me a fool. You can call me whatever the damn hell you like Mr.Hooper. You can call me monkey!

>i have never ever produced a record with naomi campbell, where did you get that shit..??

Nellee I was WRONG. I busk about alot. Forgive me.

>you claim to have a copy!! i'd love to see it!!

Nellee, in my defense I was kidding there. I don't own a copy. No-one owns a copy. Dammnit I'd love to see a copy too!

>i think you are talking about tim siminon "bomb the bass" who produced some tracks for her..

Oh does that mean I can slag him off!

>please retract it's painful

I'll always retract if i fuck up. I don't mind looking stupid. Though hey Mr.Hooper I think I credited your good sense in linking Puff Daddy up with Felix Da Housekatt. Maybe this is why I'm not doing hard labour in Siberia?

Quit Blogging this Instant!

I'm holidaying in the world's capital city and yet i still find time to harvest the blogs! Actually writing indigestablely huge amounts daily to my handheld. I'll bosh some of it up. Pleased to see there's aktivity at http://k-punk.blogspot.com. Mark doing a wonderful job of disinterring the retro impulse. His notion that these movements problematically FREEZE the past sinks the nail. However isn't it these motivational "Golden Ages" which always provide the idealistic impulse throughout history whether its Greece or Rome, Grease or Romo? I'm not certain whether the worryingly over-analysed "Retro" instinct is anything new. Certainly I don't remember it as ever being any different. Though perhaps with the record industry in recession we're pillaging the larder a little more.

Quit carping Eshun!

Love giving you every possible opportunity to laugh in my face. Here's a bit of backroom chat from an email to Kodwo Eshun:

> I thought you hated America-What was that cartoon of yours-were someone
> sells a bunch of crappy records including America.I laughed but quailed a bit too

I blinked when I read this, couldn’t for the life of me remember what I'd put in there. I did that comic in 1996. Went back and had another look:

Human League, Simple Minds, Kajagoogoo, America.

Amazing really when you think ALL of this stuff has been classed trendy. Bar Kajagoogoo. For a while it was just Punishment of Luxury and Being Boiled, but then Love Action. (sweats) Then Simple Minds....does no-one remember that Cope-related tale of Jim Kerr tossing Faust records off Gorbals tower blocks. (CHRIST even that sounds cool!) I'm even tempted to pick up New Gold Dream, and come clean (at last) at my teenage lust for Waterfront.

Actually not sure if it doesn’t say more about the online taste machine. America was, I must have thought my safest card, maybe I should have put Chicago (though see the Ive Mendes "If you leave me now" cover) or Boston (I dunno, you tell me). I've NEVER heard an America track, so on what grounds I was holding forth......

Welcome Wire Readers!

Apparently T.W.A.N.B.O.C. is mentioned in this month’s The Wire Magazine in a micro-article. I didn’t get the full double-page spread and cover photo I usually insist on, so I’m pretty pissed off.

Added to this I’m apparently sharing the very small spotlight with an Ian Penman and Simon Reynolds (who the FUCK are these people?); a couple of interlopers riding my coat-tails that’s who!

Oh and don’t expect miracles from me. I’m already a bitter twisted burnt-out shell completely wrung dry of ideas and wholly lacking in inspiration. Make sure you close the door after you.

One from the Archives!

Just in case you were under the impression that I emerged fully-formed from the mud 4 months ago and proceeded to thump my tub in time with this host of celebrity journalists, here's a little thing I did a very long time ago when I was only a little chap. Something I've always been tremendously proud of and which I believe was hugely influential. Just a chart, but........

It's from The Wire Issue 102, dated August 1992. I did it in response to a chart David Toop did, which he called his Post-Colonial, Fourth World Hybrid, Techno-Pagan Global Futurist Top 20, which BLEW MY MIND. The Free-Dub chart was submitted when I was living in Glasgow, and calling myself "The Rhythm Shower" (I've always been borderline insane). The Wire presumably thought I was a collective of some sort, so they credited it "readers" The Rhythm Shower. That was quite sweet. It got a joint double-page spread with a chart by a guy called Saverio Pechini from Italy (quite good too....) The strapline to the page said "Your Charts are welcome - In fact they inspire us", which I also liked.

I was working at the Music and Video Exchange at the time (pricing stuff natch) and like the ever-keen ever-green cocky prat I was took the magazine round and showed it to Brian. Brian is a notorious multi-millionare miser, he owns all those shops. He looked at the piece and looked me up and down. I think he was really surprised that I thought this was worthy of his attention. Not angry or annoyed. Just really caught off guard.

I've been quite open that I moulded the chart on Toop's work. But I know he used mine for his huge 3-page epic Dub History he did for Mixmag, which he later re-chewed for The Wire. This contained much else besides, and was probably the first time I came across both Arthur Russell, Walter Gibbons and Paul "Groucho" Smykle. Why do I know? Because a year later I rang him up (cocky little prat) and he was aware of the chart, and graciously opened his phonebook to help me on a project. Actually I must have been a right nuisance for the people who he put me in touch with. I met David again a couple of years ago, never really introduced myself properly (tongue-tied isolationist mid-seven year psychotic cycle), though I remember him saying he got badly ripped off himself with the whole Dub History idea (not going into any detail here...). Is any of that libellous? I don't think so. I hope not. It was the truth as I see it anyway.

Those charts they have in The Wire these days are very carefully alloted to Institutions, Radio Shows, Famous People etc. You can't just be a snotty nutter and post them something which they'll print. Which is a shame.

Wha!

A number of people have contacted me about Luke's 12". Are you lot kidding? Post an mp3 of it! Go and BUY the bloody thing.Though I've slightly more sympathy for the Australian contingency. It's possible he has one or two still kicking around. Try emailing him at: blungblung@hotmail.com.

Luke, who it's getting harder and harder to get hold of these days, is being chased left right and centre by what the boy's calling "smallfry". It's still very early days mate.

Gido in the Netherlands, who amazingly picked up Beatfarm off eBay (already!?) has told me I'm guilty of damning the tune with faint praise. That's not fair Gido, I'm practically the gezzer's unpaid PR officer!

Luka's Record.

He's begged me to keep a lid on it for the past few weeks while he slaved on the overdubs with Zeb, but with the arrival of a 12" shaped brown box containing it this morning, it looks like I can tell the world. Luke has made a record. "Beatfarm" credited to Luka.

I tell you I was as keen to check it as I expect you are. On first play it was suprising to actually hear the man's voice for a change. He's a gruff wee bastard! I suppose I was expecting a kind of indie-garage thing, you know a kind of John Cooper Clarke meets Roll Deep thing, an update on the pre-existing trope/tradition of beatniks recycling the piratical airwaves, a Rebuilt Kev/Squarepusher/Fridge/Mike Skinner styling on the ardkore tradition. A "de-thugging" if you like but you know Luke, its a fuck of a lot madder than that, maybe enjoying the same kind of relationship Tricky did with straight hip-hop. I know he's gonna be bloody mad with me for not reading it as HARDCORE pure and simple, but Luke you symbolist poetry espousing nutter, it just don't work like that.

"Blood on the tyres, blood in my eyes; blood in the drains, bloods my disguise". Street surrealism at it's most opaque, deliberate obfuscation but in no way a knowing dumbing-down. "Dali, Charlie, Mallarme the life O'Reilly- that's (my) tradition, my root (route?) shoot." Its peppered with shouts to Scoob and the boys "Down with the Stratford crew, I'm the poet without a cue." Bizarre shit.

If I'd have one reservation it's the beats. Zeb is no Wiley, he hasn't offered up the botch job DJ Ninj did for Derek Bailey on his jungle record, but things are a bit loose. Not nashty enough. I'd like to hear Luke on Icerink, something he could really get his rhymes biting. Like I say a minor criticism. Don't give up yet Zeb.

On the press-sheet Luka says they're will only be 500 whites. Snap em up and be a part of history.

Meme Unchained.

Paul Meme came round last night with my friend Marc Dauncey (who I downloaded a great Darkcore mix off at Audiogalaxy back in the day). We opened a bottle of Chianti and talked ragga on the veranda like civilised grown-ups.

After getting his coat, and thanking me for such a nice evening, Paul gave me a "Sheffield Shocker" kicking me so hard in the balls I lay splayed on the pavement winded as he and Marc, cackling like hyenas, climbed into Paul's vintage Ferrari.

Hip-Hop Mop-Up

Now all the votes are back in it’s time for the big Hip-Hop Mop-Up, and here’s where I get to be a patronising git and put you each on the spot (snicker):

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Cullum:
I might have mentioned the few examples of hip hop concept albums/hip-hoperas like Prince Paul: Prince Amongst Thieves or the Automator jobbies like Dr.Octagon.....

Interesting ideas big man. Maybe outside the timeframe.

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Job de Wit:
Submitting some other faves from this period: KRS-One (Return of the Boom Bap) and Digable Planets (Reachin').

Thanks Job. I’m surprised Cullum didn’t whop my ass over the KRS-One (The Sound of Da Police and all…) Still not sure it makes my own 6.

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Scott Neil:
I must take issue with you maintaining the Hova only does good singles, and has drek for long players. i am afraid i'm one of those cliched NME types that still insists there's worth within his debut, even if there's quite a bit of cheese there too.

Ok Scott, OK!

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Luke:
i'm obsessed with MCs, beats i don't care too much about, so to me souls of mischeif is top of the pile, (although if jeru is allowed in he;'s 200 times better then all of them, but to me hes from the wu-tand inaugerated era, new generation and all that) def. better, much better then del i think, in fact casuals album is better than dels, my mates got a newish secret del album no one knows about thats the only one i like but pep love is the best heiro cos hes a genius although obviously he doesn't fit into the mid period thing. organized konfusions first one did though and everyones going to cuss you for leaving that out! 10 years ahead of its tie... pharcyde may well fit in, not sure, but if that 93 not 94 that should be in, do you want more by the roots don't deserve to get left out, the AMAZING buhloone mind state by de la, their best album warrants inclusion and some more i'm going to tell you about after work hahahahah

Ah shaddap smartypants! I had the Casual LP and now its back at the M&V. I actually hunted down the Organized Confusion since Luke’s email. It is indeed a feast of lyrics (wink wink). Pharcyde I call daisy age on return, Luke disagrees he says it’s a west-coast reaction to G-Funk. Buhloone Mindstate (once again thought Cullum would cuss me over this) certainly should be in the nearly list.

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Toby:
Dr Dre: The Chronic. colombian fishscale - high end chang! the medellin equiv. to peruvian flake. Timbaland and Magoo album "welcome to our world" is all killer no filler - i swear. am i missing some fatal flaw.

The Chronic, great record, maybe too platinum for the downhome top 6. How come you know what Colombian Fishcale is bad bwoy!

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Pete Maplestone:
what about; Mecca & Soul Brother, Pete Rock/Cl Smooth, Times' up: K-Solo Put ya boots on - Double x posse, Cypress Hill First

Thanks Pete, I’ve never been a Pete Rock man, I like a bit of space in my hiphop.

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Doobie:
nice list, though...ruthless rap assassins & jungle brothers...personal highlights

OK Doobie. Maybe Jungle Brothers are Daisy Age, we’ve had this freeking conversation. The Ruthless Rap Assasins (Manchester’s finest) now that maybe valid.

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OK. Court adjourned!

Treo.

It's a fairly pointless aside, but maybe you'd be interested to know. I do all my writing on a Treo, a tiny handheld keyboard communicator, on buses, in cafes, at work. I then email it from the same device and it pops up here on the web. You have to be a pretty huge geek to work out how to do this.

I can be listening to atrocious 80's lovers pop in a coffee franchise and let you know about it, like I am right now. I don't know if this has any relevance to writing about music as an activity per se. It might be a more suitable mode of communication for War Journalism, "we've just been hit by a shell" etc. Though didn't JG Ballard describe music journalism as "the real reportage"? Music goes off like veg, it loses it's freshness quickly, before becoming useful as manure.

What a handy metaphor! After all culture's energy is reinvested in old music to reconfigure it's location or even to use it as a base for newer music (especially vis a vis sampling). Music journalism is even more ephemeral and temporally specific, unless, to extend the analogy it's the equivalent of a gardners guide to compost.

So either these entries are beamed-in bulletins from the tip of the wave (hey Matt don't flatter yourself) or they're an exercise....shit just spilled my latte.

Gutter Garage Webring.

Like the dissoloution of the magnificent seven so they shall mourn the implosion of the unofficial guttah garage webring.

(horse slopes into brokedown village - cloaked stranger addresses laid-back local):
Whatever happened to Sneaky Luke, the rake on Mare Street, the hotwired wag? Him gone vicious straight edge maaan, him the rat in Saddam bunker, me bredda. What about the rushing hyperactive prophet of NYC, the 'riginal NRG flasher, the blissed-out barbarian ol' Third Eye Reynolds. Him deep in guttah archives bredda, working on dna source of da retro formula. (sergio leone whistle-gust of wind). And whose asking? (sweeps off cape-gasps) Praise da almighty father it is, no it cant be, yes IT IS! TWANBOC you are alive. TWANBOC in all but name my fine fellow. (unfurls parchment-villagers gather around) and here is the latest missive from the guttah.

Spectacular intro but not much to report really. Dizzy Rascal has a new track in the racks, a charming little instrumental called "Hoe". Er where's the rapping Dizzy? Stick to what you do best. Talking of Dizzy, how many times have you heard mention of his sparring partner on "I love You"? That chick completely makes the song, undercutting DR's bluster (ever heard Project Pat's Chickenhead?), she's one terribly sexy lady. So who's she? Heard another Dizzy Track the other day, maybe its called "One Big Cycle" (now no cussing if its a Roll Deep ting!) Saw Dizzy in Uptown, me lurking at the back in a top hat and tails looking like a comedy toff. He's not so "buff" in my view. Surly and small. The tension over this tracks general release is beginning to take its toll on me. Soon all the beatniks will have a copy. I might even be able to have a conversation with someone about music without them looking lost and confused....

Rap tracks I like? Seen U B4 by JB is great. The production is just good enough for my ears not to bleed (hey I dont want Kenny Gee, but a likkle polish can help). More hard jackin linear riddims? Try baby pulse by youngster and 116, those clackety clack castanet 808s are just fine. A little sublo pressure for your delectation? Try the dutty firewire riddim.

As for the pirates, I'm a bit behind. Email Luke at Marajuana-Smokers Anonymous and pester him. His bredda Scoob is on the frontline so he blinking well out to know.

Minutes of The Earful Club 19th February 2003.

I recently attended the second gathering of the Earful Club. Set up by Famous Record Producer as an evening in which some of his friends (and me) could come together and play eachother their favourite bits of music. It's a genteel version of those soirees one had as a teenager when everyone slumped around stoned going "Wow" to the latest sounds. A big "Alright!" to the teenagers reading this. The last Earful Club was over two years ago, it was the first time I heard Girls on Pill's "Being Scrubbed" (played by Acid-house Popstar Pioneer) and Peaches (played by our host).

The Earful Club has a distinct set of rules, each attendee can play only 5 pieces of music (any format allowed, we heard mp3s, LPs, a White Label 12", CDs, 7"s and a 78), everyone has to bring a piece from the genre dictated by the Host (this month Musicals, next time Protest Songs). Everyone must write down the names of the tracks they played, and these are all recorded by the host, who then forwards a CD of the evening to all Earfuls. In attendance were Glamorous 80's Popstar, Former Indie Star/Record Store Boss, Deep Electronica Engineer, Jazz Hammond Maestro, Brainstormer, Advertising Copywriter and me. In stark contrast to the usual TWANBOC policy of dropping as many names as can reasonably be squeezed into a sentence, I've decided to preserve the anonymity of these particular suspects.

What piqued my interest this time:

1) Metro Area : "Orange Alert DFA Remix"
I like Metro Area, particularly their number 3 EP (that's the best) but this was also really brilliant, unfortunately it's a limited edition thing. While I get the arguments about this being retro disco, it triumphs through sheer gourgeosness and expansiveness (the originals of this era can sound quite claustrophobic and compressed). Maybe it's a shallow victory of modern production techniques?

2) Girls in the Garage: "...er sorry didn't get this down"
Brought along by Brainstormer as part of her Ladies do Metal set. We got one from this Nuggets style compilation. Very tasty.

3) Anthony Quinn : "I Love You"
7" by the actor in which he does speaky over period rock. Would be kitsch if it wasn't wonderful.

4) Sindri and Otto Von Shirach: "Plasiq Phantom People."
This was a really tasty pink 7" (more impossible to find beatnik-elitist music) which had a Tony Conrad sawed electric viola sound over discreet beats. OVS I know just did an LP on the now maligned Schematic label. Maybe it's worth checking out......

5) Jimmy Scott: "Love is a Wonderful Thing."
Played by Advertising Copywriter, we got the story too of Jimmy's aborted LP on Ray Charles's label. Jimmy suffered from some genetic disorder and consequently sings soprano. I know Church of Me did a sermon on him recently, so read that if you want to know more. Jimmy is now is in his eighties, after working as a doorman since collapse of aforementioned deal, did a gig at Ronnie Scott's that was, I imagine, like the recent Brian Wilson transfusion. I got in trouble for this comparison from Earful's who attended the Wilson show (some twice, oh dear!) Advertisng Copywriter also expanded on the genealogy of Sex, Boots and Dread, the pre-Morris Gay Rasta 10".

6) Ive Mendes: "If you leave me now"
My personal highlight. A brazilian cover version of Chicago's track. Stunningly romantic, deeply moving and intensely erotic. Aaaaaaaaaah...........You must hear this!!!!!!!!!!!

7) Herbie Hancock: "Succotash"
Off Inventions and Dimensions, one of the Blue Note Era records. This was pure maths. Very attractive stark modernism. Now that all the Pan-Futurist Global meltdown stuff is looking a bit, well Nineties, we should do Herbie a favour and examine more deeply. This prompted a cool story from Glamorous 80's Popstar who had met Herbie whilst on tour in Japan. Hey name-dropping by proxy is allowed!

8) Johnny Cash: "Personal Jesus"
Spun by the host who rounded off the proceedings by playing a blues 78 (show-off!). The original is of course Depeche Mode's, you can almost hear the bleeps in this. Johnny sounding scarily authoratitive (and queerly not unlike Warren Zevon in patches). This is obviously suggestive of a whole new genre Country Electronica TM. We can immediately lump in Boards of Canada and Lee Perry.

It was generally agreed that this month's was a cracking Earful. The Musicals section brought forth innovation on the theme too in the form of John Coltrane's "My Favourite Things" and a choice bit of Bollywood Lata Mangeshkar's "Aaona Wohi Rehta Hai". Naturally what I played will remain a closely guarded secret, snicker. Really looking forward to my CD, and if you're curious enough (dear reader) you can have a copy off me too.

Underground Overground.

How delightful to see the Darkrider doing his bit for Burton Menswear!  There he is at the corner of the Tottenham Court Road in the window of their flagship store (on a poster) behind the decks, flashing his teeth sporting a pastel stripey jumper. I'm quite against all these people saying he's sold out, of course he hasn't.

I used to bump into him alot, that is before the days of cameo appearances on Eastenders and Celebrity Big Brother evictions. At Speed in the early days (trust me it was Danny, me and a couple of mislaid Japanese tourists) I, dancing like a spastic by the speaker in the corner, got under his feet more than once. Also at Section 25 and Blackmarket and once at that Jungle stall in Camden when he winced at me and my little heart raced with fear.

It'd take nothing less that the G-Man presenting Tikkabilla on CBeebies for me to give up on those old trax, honest! (Please don't hurt me G I have a family.) Wandering down Oxford street and whaddya know, there, in the Pringles window (on a poster), deep in a fog of dry ice, clutching a bottle of lucozade, a whistle clenched between his teeth, arms akimbo in a lilac golf jumper was no less than Doc Scott.

Flattered.

Blushing from Reynolds' descriptions of T.W.A.N.B.O.C. A compliment from the highest quarter. Realise I may have inadvertantly sounded a little down on UK Bounce, hence Simon's suggestion of my "road to Damascus" conversion. Here's my original letter in full in response to his suggestion that So Solid Crew were the new Sex Pistols:

"Isn't it ironic that punk has never had such a low currency culturally. It's not on the lists anymore is it? (maybe post-punk,but surely that's progs coda). For so long it was such a dominating influence- an inescapable year zero all those years, until we lost touch with what it really was about (thanks to Greil Marcus no doubt) I'm sure Eater, 999 and Chelsea were unavoidably part of it-cheap and nasty. Probably more so than The Clash and Buzzcocks (reputations intact).

For your info the tempo of the pirates has dropped right down. It's all crappy Swizz Beatz remakes with bad rapping, heard one track yesterday that made me want to vomit (all these detuned churning lower frequencies)- its funny cos ragga has sounded as repulsive these last couple of years and the pirates are mixing the JA tunes on an equal footing. Its hard to figure out where anything is coming from....

Of course there is the problem that hardly anyone is listening to it. HMV on Oxford Street has quartered their Garage bin... "There's just no demand for it" one employee told me. Does this mean we have to wait 14 years for Rave-punk-mainstream in the form of a seattle-based uk garage combo?

No ideals either just ugly ambition with the bad sonix-It sounds almost as bad as old-school hip-hop.And that's not to criticise it mind. This movement needs a better name too. Ditch the continuity of "rave", "gabba" and "garage" for starters.What about Spunk (speed garage+punk)? Will it catch on?"

I think perhaps the good Mr. Reynolds thought I was trying to shoot down his theory. Far from it, I was trying to suggest that the musical inversion I was hearing was a good thing. "crappy Swizz Beatz remakes"and "repulsive" (in reference to Ragga) were actually compliments, as was the report that one track made me want to vomit (what higher praise can there be?). That the music was headed back underground, and away from the High Street, was also, in my opinion a reason to be cheerful. "As bad as old school- hip-hop", why thats the other original nasty music, and nasty is of course good. Finally "bad sonix" and "bad attitude" were once again supposed to be punky compliments. I really meant it when I said "this was not to criticise it". The "open-letter" was a poetic attempt to reposition the vocab- to try and invert the usual modes of criticism. You know back to Jacques Attali, noise as subversion and all that kit. Oh well.........

As a brief coda it is interesting to note re:UK Bounce that many people were sitting around wondering "Is this Darkcore circa 1992? or Techstep circa 1997?" Everyone was wondering where the twist of darkness at the start on 2002 was taking us. The truth....somewhere completely different.