WOEBOT

Grime it is.

Image of Roger Gray used without permission.

Wow! Everybody feign interest! The time has come for one of my half-arsed poorly researched Garage Breakouts! Yay!

I got a really interesting job the other day editing a film about gun culture for a pitch to the government. I managed to sneak "Cockback" onto the soundtrack (snicker). One of the people who was interviewed in the course of the project was a white-haired gentleman called Roger Gray. Gray is a hugely influential gentleman who advises the government on issues affecting urban youth. He sits on about every quango and wotsit you might care to unearth. Important dude...

Anyway here is a comment he made I've rescued from the cutting-room floor:

"There's no doubt there's a genuine vacuum in the youth community now especially among the core alienated youth who themselves have kind of "gone cold." They've lost the feeling at the centre of them because for years they've been abused by their parents and other adults who've neglected them and leave them outside what they feel is the warm cosy world in which everyone else lives."

Hmph. Sobering stuff. When I heard him say it in the edit my heart skipped a beat; here was a figure endorsed by the government who was saying the same thing as Wiley was saying in Martin Clark's interview with him at Hyperdub. I felt as distant a satellite to this culture as I ever have.

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It's been a mighty slow start to the year vinyl-wise. Word is that the pressing-plants have been slow to get up-to-speed. I've even resorted to picking up last year's tracks which are still in the racks.

More Fire/Lethal B: Roll Wid Da Fire

Like this stonker, built (I believe) on the same riddim the Neptunes made for Busta Rhymes's "Light Your Ass on Fire," you know the one with splintering cheap-sounding pitch-shifted drums. Lethal B and the boys are gradually picking themselves up and rebuilding their confidence after being dropped by a major. On the "Lord of the Decks" interview they give (Lethal B performs this track after it in the cheapest-looking pop video I have *EVER* seen) they seem a bit "sotto voce" as my Dad would have said.

Platinum 45/More Fire: Lava Riddim

More recent More Fire bizness. (thinks, this lot are on top form). This has the eyeball-bulging intensity of slightly unlistenable tracks from last year like Jammer's "Destruction." I was really pleased to see Marcello talking about the joylessness of Garage. He IS right, but there's no underestimating the uncontained excitement these tracks manifest. As I've said before, Grime (for "Wot Do You Call it?" arf arf arf) functions along the axis of intensity. The more intense the better. Lethal B outing his "Lethal B got a Colt 45" lyric here.

Beenie Man: Dude (Sticky Refix)

Dear oh dear! What HAS happened to Sticky. He's definitely lost the plot, chasing record company remixes and thriving on a kind of down-market respectability, lots of R'n'B vocals lacing his tracks. I keep waiting to hear a bit of shock-out from the Social Circles camp, but alas... However this is easily the best thing I've heard from him in ages, and the only thing I've picked up. Though will that Ms.Thing puhlease shut it!!! Can't stand her moany voice...

Highly Flammable: Charge

What the hell's going on here? A twelve inch with.....a cover! Artwork on this reminiscent of the DJ Trax Infinite Hype cover on Moving Shadow (that'll get Simon salivating!) An all-star line-up: D Double E, Meridian, More Fire, Heartless, Roll Deep, Ruff Squad (Tinchy Stryder rising high), Boyz in Da Hood etc. And an extraordinary polemic on the rear sleeve note by Highly Flammable announcing: "Highly Flammable are now in full effect, we've been dealing with issues outside music but now we're ready to give 100% apose (their spellung) to 50%." Mysterious stuff. Nice track.

Ruff Squad: Pied Piper Riddim (feat RS, Riko and Escobar)

Ruff.

Unknown White: Get Over It.

Aaah! Saving this best to last! This is some kind of classic. The riddim is a cut up of Mephis Bleek's "Is that your Chick", which must surely set the standard for most frozen bit of Hip Hop evah, a tune I heard caned at Eskimo Dance last year (reeeeeeeewiiinnndddd!!!!!!!) But it's spliced together with these phantasmic uncoiling mentasm mirages straight out of The Mover's songbook. Truly breathtaking riddim, the MC-ing with shades of Kool Keith-style surgical imagery. "Stripped to the bone" etc. Awesome. No idea who did it!

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Everybody laughed at me when I said Google Eskimo Dance and see what you get, but ha! The last laugh is on me. One of my most continually updated comments box threads is this one. Bloody hell some of these comments are coming from the other side of the tracks! Maybe I'm not such a distant satellite after all...

My Mind turns to Grime.

Horrified to notice via Philip Sherburne’s Blog that Rolling Stone are calling the music "Grimy". Fucking Yanks eh! That's two worse than Grime. (muses to himself) When an arch-neologist like Sherburne falters you've got to wonder...

As I was saying to one correspondent, with the term Garage I wasn't suggesting as Angus did (and he won't thank me for invoking him) that we should hallow a connection between the Paradise Garage and "the now sound of the london pirates", but rather draw an historical line from the point whereupon the UK started to fess with US Garage (Todds, MAW et al). That's the sensible point zero of Garage. To disagree with K-Punk I always thought the move to the term 2step was so infintessimal as to be laughable, meaningless even, woo hoo it’s a bit skippier; like the move between Mac OS 10.2.7 and 10.2.8 (That's W2K SP2 to W2K SP3 Windoze users). Another factoid to mess up your head: when Skepta was recently asked which musician he'd most like to work with he said....Todd Edwards. Yeah I was surprised too.

My fave new term for describing the term came from the Grevious Angel himself, who chipped in with the eminently sensible "Rap." OK I'll admit to some degree I'm having a laugh, not playing the game whereby a name is called and we all rally round it. In my defense there is precious little support within the scene for Grime, and (here disagreeing with K-Punk again) great monikers of the past, be they detourned insults, always did come from within. Jungle came from within. Junglist. I guess the real issue at stake is that magazines and the cross-over crew don't just need a name, a handle, they need a NEW name. It's packaging and advertising isn't it, a NEW product is needed to stock on the shelves. It's typical of recalcitrant Garage that it can't seem to give a toss about it's own brand identity. That's as it should be.

Grimestoppers Inc.

Wanted to briefly pick up the great blissed-out one's remarks re:Grime and thanks firstly to Angus who rode out of the swirling outback dust like Mad Max* to rescue me earlier. Reynolds himself has actually reflected in unpublished, behind-the-scenes correspondence** that he doesn't really like the term, and also that: "I wish someone would come up with a really hits-it-on-the-nail undeniable we-can-all-agree-on-this name."

Wiley's really gone to town with this himself. "Wot do you call it?" which I heard him deliver this at Eskimo Dance, and which is on the new LP, has lyrics which go: "What do you call it? Garage? What do you call it? Urban? 2-step?" etc ad nauseam. It's that the archetypal useless musicians cliche turned manifesto isn't it: "Don't categorise me!" Yep that makes me want to call it Garage... not just because it's dopey, but also cos you can't have lone musicians calling the changes. It's just not democratic baby!

Another reason I'm resistant to to Grime (beyond Angus's razor-sharp observations as given) is that "on the ground" you hardly ever hear the music being described thus, (to expand on what I said before) In the shops it's called Sub-Lo, or it's MC Garage, or it's 8-bar. There MC tracks are outnumbered 10 to 1 by Instrumentals. (This for reasons we explored last year. MC-ing mainly exists on the radio and at the dance, and the shops service the DJs who play backing tracks for the MCs.) Maybe the fact that the MC-ing records are still in the minority is a part of the reason the term "Grime" appears to be coming from outside the scene, where it's percieved (via Dizzee) as being an entirely MC-led art-form? Does that make any sense?

I've yet to hear ANY artists who are happy with the term (that's some kind of first surely). Wonder (who did the mighty "What" riddim and was a former member of Roll Deep) has found himself wedged between the FWD beat and "Grime" scene reflects in the RWD mag that: "...it's all just Garage." And, bear with me I'm getting to the BIG point, I think this might be the moment at which these genres stop subdividing.

Let's face Garage is shifting tiny quantities of records. Seems like I'm the only person buying it sometimes (wink) Luka told me the other day that he heard someone on the radio going (along the lines of): "so-and-so said he shifted a thousand records, man that is so not true." That's a joke isn't it! I think we've reached the final point of dance-music's expansion. The universe has already expanded to it's absolutely biggest point (maybe a year or so ago) and now it's contracting. Maybe what we're seeing is genres coalescing. The market share is so frigging small that to start calling such-and-such a genre isn't constructive business sense any more. We've got the insane situation where you have a artist (Wiley) declaring HE is a genre.

Plus whenever I hear someone refer to the music as Grime now, I know, I just KNOW that they've picked it up from a glossy, or a newspaper or the net. Just my opinion mind, and I get these things arse-about-tit pretty often. Anyway if it doesn't stick as a term those might be some reasons why.

* I'll be your Private Dancer bad bwoy...
** It's another Woebot exclusive.

Garage.

D Double E/Footsie: War Wid.

On Braindead records which is Tubby's label. I heard Tubby, who put out "Slush", on Rinse 100.3 FM this Sunday. He pretty much played instrumentals back to back. For the first time I thought, shit this is an instrumental set I can really dig, then my attention wandered. You've got to admit it, in terms of the instrumental, Garage has REALLY dropped the ball. You could happily listen to a whole evening of without an MC as recently as 2001, but now they're pretty dull on their own.

Tubby is placed somewhere between the Newham massive and the FWD breakstep crew. I said the same thing about Popadomz (Wizzbit & Riko Dan) and got my wrist smacked by a Ms. Fiddy. She says that Wizzbit has always made ruffer records; I said hang on a minute sweetheart he's on Dumpvalve. Whatever! Tellingly Tubby gave a shout out to Plastikman AND Wiley, clearly revealing his split allegiances.

D Double is now officially a loose canon. He's gone freelance, shows up on the Skepta record later. Luka was discussing recently Marcus Nasty getting out of jail and sacking Jammer first and then D Double. Old news innit. Marcus Nasty says that Jammer is "a snake" hoarding all the crew's money.

If D Double is free to show up on whatever records he pleases that can only be a good thing. He's certainly the next great MC talent to emerge from Garage after Dizzy. It's that bloody "Mui Mui" noise isn't it. Just so startlingly inventive! It's a mnmonic. A signal. That's it with D Double's voice isn't it too? It's weird. it stands out. I think MCs are wasting their time on lyrics, they ought to work on their sound. Ragga has always grasped this from Tiger to Elephant Man. You've got to find a sound that will burn through the airwaves.

"War Wid" is a fucking great track. It's the same combo of production depth and ferocious MC performances that made "Popadomz" the hit of 2003.

God's Gift: Girls Get Lend, To My Friend.

Well at this rate we're in for a absolutely scorching 2004. This is absolutely AMAZING. Gods Gift is one of those MCs who everyone doffs their hat to. He was in Pay As You Go with Wiley. Other stuff I've heard him on has been pretty good, nothing to write home about, like "Tribute to 32 MCs" (yeah OK your mudda likes it!) Gods Gift owns his own delicatessen! No he doesn't.

However, I've never heard him do a pure ragga delivery like he does on this excessively rude 12" (label reveals a close-up of a lady's snatch half-heartedly covered up with a couple of stick-on gold stars). This is blisteringly good, quite like Harry Toddler's "Donkey Kick" if it had really worked. This riddim, the Pum Pum Riddim, was all over the radio at Christmas. Other tracks on it which are good (and there are 3 EPs) are the More Fire version, a cheerful "la la, la la la la la la" chorus they give it. This riddim, by Commander B, rips a lot of ideas of Wiley's "Igloo", but so what, it's great. Spizzazzz crew also picked this up, so respekt to them.

Dice Recordings Presents: Life's a Dice Game Vol.1.

Holy moley! A 4 12" pack replete with cover put out by Skepta. This has got to be some kind of Garage landmark. Secretly I'd dreading other artists are gonna catch on. Wiley's Eskimo two 12"s weren't in anything as grand as a pack of their own. It's sort of like those dreadful, dreadful quadruple packs that started coming out of Jungle after first the Full Cycle and Dope Dragon packs (great) and then the Ram records pack (er, less great) and then a deluge. With any luck Skepta (who put out DTI as a double pack last year) is looking to US hip hop comps like the Ruff Ryders ones (or the slighly slimmer David Banner one) for his inspiration.

Still it's packed with great stuff, including "Serious Thugs" with D Double and JME, which we all know as "Thuggish Ruggish." That Boyz to Men sample and the whole G-Funk flava (think Westwood!) was a bit of a turn off, but I've come round to it. A lot of the record has quite a down tempo side to it, prompting me to wonder bout the state of the rest of the UK's Hip-Hop. The difference, well Garage is clearly looking to crunk; and the rest to The Roots, Hieroglyphix and less nasty rap. But you know, I could be wrong.....

Armour: In the Biz.

Another N.A.S.T.Y. solo venture on my latest fave label After Shock. This is THE hot label of Garage. Actually this track is only OK. Not nearly as firing as the "I Can C U, U Can C Me", "Frontline" or "Cockback." Armour is a bit boring. The main reason I've got it is that I keep going down the shop going: "Excuse me have you got Riko's "The Chosen One" in yet." To which they reply: "Nah mate, come back in a couple of days, we'll definitely have it then..."I'm going mad to hear/buy that record. Supposed to be well 'ard.

Coarse for celebration.

Stunned upon entry to my local Grime emporium to be greeted by banners and bunting. A lady in a sequined bra and knickers with an overflowing plume on her head presented me with a bouquet of flowers. Behind the counter the staff cheered and raised glasses of champagne.

Well, OK. Though I was thanked personally for supporting MC Garage throughout the year. Isn't that nice! A firework went off in my heart. We did both feel there was cause for celebration. For the first time every tune I picked up had.......a label! Oh yeah I know we're not supposed to celebrate things like this but I think it's fine. It needn't be the end of a scene when folk are getting their shit together, working on their rhymes, using the playstation for what it's best suited. These MC tracks are a hundred times better than the ones which were coming out at the end of last year.

J2K feat Wiley: They will not like you
Cyborg Cello, Tympani and a whipcrack. Later volcanic spring bleeps and Miami Vice synths. "Hello my name's Wiley" Hello Wiley. And hilariously "I am the hungriest Tiger......Wooly as the E3 Tiger." Visions of Alan Patridge as the Ford Mondeo-equipped travelling insurance salesman in a motorway service station growling into the gents mirror. "The most unreliable artist ever." A proud boast this, how many no-shows YOU chalked up? Can't but help flash on (you KNOW I'm joking mate) indigenous raver Luka's protestations of his ferreal unpopularity: "They will not like you." It's funny isn't it, time was everyone would be boasting of their popularity! "Love anything that involves cheques." Wiley isn't a great MC, but he's pretty entertaining. J2K who produced this something like his endorsed prodigy.

Durrty Doogz: Hold me Down
Doogz on the other hand a thoroughbred MC, fascinating seductive delivery. "Daily I say a prayer or a psalm." Swerving into patois. The most ecstatic thing being the beautiful swooning voices in the background fully reminiscent of MBV Glider-era on a Turkish tip. What they doing here? Breakbeat sneaks in and roughs up the 8-bar stagger. Doogz pulls a funny face: "It's real." Another contender for tune of the year.

Wizzbit feat MC Riko: Popadomz
Any premature categorising of this scene ought to be kept on ice. After all here is Darkstep auteur Wizzbit of the Dumpvalve recordings stable and Riko of East Connection together on the same track. "We keep it gangsta and we keep it ends-ish......we keep it road-ish" Ends-ish? Was that in the Heronbone Glossary? Road-ish? That certainly beats saying "street" all the time. Some dead Sterns-ish chinese mandolin riff; yeah and lets not forget (winces) original samurai Rupert Parkes. Wizzbit's trademark modulating "Jamhot" synth that little bit higher in the mix than the chat, so you knows whose in charge. Volume wars.

Ity: Wait a minute (Sticky Remix)
Once again signalling currents through the grime triangle. Sticky continuing to try and forge a detente between slinky 2-step which dem girls like and MC Garage. Upfront Wookie-style organ riff, staccato vocals singjay chorus but long love-rap too. Cool bitmapped bassline, flamenco-ish guitar like those all over the current crop of Ragga. A bit too wet, but still nice.

Wiley: Ground Zero
Not much I'd want to add. Thought Mark used it exquisitely and appositely as a spring board for talking bout Threads (not seen that). Sonic antecedents P.I.L's Metal Box (yeah and REALLY this time) also, and there's no getting away from it, Basic Channel. Enough depth and fatness to separate it from the too-shiny Darkstep riddims. Haven't heard any MCs on it yet, though there's enough sonic detail for it to sustain interest on it's own.

Pin-Ups.

East Connection: Double O, Nikki Slim Ting, Demon, Prefhus, Jookie Mundo 21 and Diesel.

Durrty Doogz and Kaya Bousqet (assistant at Modus Operandi).

From N.A.S.T.Y: Dee, Hyper and Kano. (not pictured Jammer, DJ Mac 10, Lewi White, Marcus Nasty, Shortee Major, Stormin, Armour, Monkey and Terrah Danjah.)

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Much as I like RWD and deuce, their photos do leave alot to be desired. It's just that with Grime there's a surfeit of the real and while I can handle ear-bleeding Playstation riddims, white labels, and static on the pirates, a little gloss as evidenced in these photos from The Face is quite nice. I do reckon they've been had by a stylist, but at least they all look ace. Poor old Dizzy in his yellow leather jacket and aviators looking thoroughly uncomfortable. When I came across Dizzy in February he was wearing a white wooly hat and a C&A anorak. Dahling I was horrified!

All this conspired to make me reflect on the parallels between bloggers (naturally our particular blogipelago, not the politics crew, or the "my little pony" crew) and the Grime scene. OK, hold on with your laughing!

Mainline to the Ether <------> Mainline to the Ether.
(The Pirate Airwaves - The WWW.)

The Crews <------> The Crews.
(Roll Deep, N.A.S.T.Y, So Solid - Freaky Trigger Massive, The NYC Rhizome, Les Francais, London Whimsy, Q.A.M.)

The Beefs <------> The Beefs.
(Doogz-vs-Wiley - Penman-vs-Ingram, Spizzazzz-vs-Ingram, Carlin-vs-Ingram.)

Too Many Blokes. <------> Too Many Blokes.
(Aw what the hell! There are still awesome chicks about: Stush, Lisa Mafia - The Original Soundtrack, Phenotext)

Computer Nerd-ery <------> Computer Nerd-ery
(There's no getting round it, Wiley MUST be a craven knob-twiddler.)

And when you think about it the threads which run between the networks are actually quite strong. Reynolds being contacted by deuce, I'll be they were chuffed when he mentioned them and of course there's the big man being interviewed by The Guardian on Dizzy Rascal and the bloggers. Luka's gangsta connections via Scobee and his crew. The whole Grime scene has a strong online presence too (Don't the Aylesbury All-Stars run the RWD online chat-rooms?) and every station worth it's salt has a RealAudio feed. I reckon the relationship is like that between Punk and Reggae. Er, well nearly.....

Let's just hope a little of our glamour rubs off on them eh!

Sub Lo Hip Hop.

"Westside" Black Ops/Johnny Cash.

I wonder if this is the tune Harvell heard streamed off some pirate? Dunno. Picked up it before I read that, and then made the connection. Actually everyone can get their laughing gear on, cos when I talk about Grime I'm greeted with nothing but derision. That's alright I think it's funny. When it comes to this music I feel confident; you see we make the canon. (sticking out chest) I've been buying London tunes like this for a decade. Ears don't fail me now. You hear a tune, you like it, if you've the courage of your own convictions that's all that matters. There's no guide to help you, you make your own heros, you don't have to wait to read who's hot in some urban magazine. Buying this stuff on vinyl! Who's that for anyway? Records per se are a bit anachronistic when it comes to Grime, I know this. At the end of the year I'm gonna burn a CD of all these tunes, and throw it off a tall building. What's with this sudden Nu Breaks thing? Mmm don't go there! Nu Breaks isn't some kind of "frowned on" musical ghetto, that's no tactic to win props either! It's middlebrow guv, safe garage innit.

Crackling B-Movie samples off some cherished VHS: "I want black ops assigned to this case." Sloppy yobs: "Westside be our side. WHAAT. Don't you know!" Hell this is some FUTURE tune: "The future, that's how we're rollin, dirty stinking." It's genuinely grimey. Centre-stage is a cavernous bass-stab, a foghorn tuned to C and played with alacrity. Drones patched in from The JB's "Blow Your Head" over those big floppy breaks. Definite Wu-tang influence, indeed this would play nicely beside the Ghost Dog Jap import (the Instrumentals). I've mentioned this everywhere but here that I see the Roll Deep thing going the way of the Wu. 5 great solo albums. The connections between Wu and Grime should be pretty darned apparent. Some rat-infested corridor stretching between the Bronx and (in this case) Acton. I like these guys attitood: "Fuck a Car, I'm a ghetto superstar." No it's NOT hip-hop.

"I can C U, U can C Me" Crazy Titch.

Another massive track. The MC-ing on this doesn't have the superb local color of the Black Op's ("I open up a shop on anyone's block"), more like a straight pitch, battle lyrics. What excels is the back-track, "Crazy Twitch on Crazy beats" indeed, it's got girth, it's got rabbit-out-the-hat splashes of electro, some staccato clockwork swaggering hip-hop inflected sample. Wah Wah wha! One of the best things about it is the intro which has a recording of some paunchy Blackpool Pier comedian (Norf ferreal!): "Don't make me laff...you fancy a song...alright get yer ears round this." Comparisons to Biz Markie have been over-made, but this one holds water. Titch remarks: "OK You can stop skanking now!"

"Pick yourself Up" DJ Target.

Bought this, then later found a review in Deuce. So for once I have some info about the record! Incredible! It's not just DJ Target as it says on my label, but Danny Weed (Cooper Bethea tells me "Rat Race" is a hot tune I missed by Mr. Weed), but also Wiley, Riko, J2K and Breeze. Supergroup! Once again art-lovers it's a down-tempo tune. (Congratulates himself by cracking open a jeroboam of Champagne, renting the Pink Lady stretch limo and smoking a fine cuban cigar). Down-tempo Grime rules cos (a) It's grimey (see "Westside") (b) Middle-class tourists like me can actually hear what folk are saying.

This is a dead depressing record, and very powerful for it. Some of the lyrics here cut straight to the heart of this struggling under-employed loser (Hankys out!) The riddim a stop/start struggling pattern with a medieval synth riff straight offa Jethro Tull's "Aqualung." Thats a dopey song-idea, the message being left on the mobile, but when the message is nasty as this! A bitching pigeon berates her boyfriend: "Get a fuckin' life, get a fuckin' career, you're not even motivated, get up off your arse and do something." Wiley hops in line behind the hunched inchoate beat: "Get up and move forward." A woebot. The chorus: "Pick yourself up. Don't be lazy. Wake up. Make yourself move. Life is moving faster now." Sounds like Crumbling Loaf! Elsewhere" "I am broke right now." Elsewhere: "Stuck in the hustle from around 16." Elsewhere: "Remember the days when you could go through on a five pound draw and that was you." (Yeah I remember. Now I need at least half an ounce of crack to get outta bed!) Elsewhere: "All you see is downward thumbs."

"I Done Told You Before" Dizzy Rascal.

An old tune this but apparently this is the original Wiley mix, different to the version on the More Fire LP. Grimespotters! Wiley evidently clearing out his attic. Not the sort of thing Dizzy would probably sanction a few months of celebrity down the line. Especially now he's officially split with Roll Deep. Front of The Financial Times that. It's a decent tune. Damn Rascal sounds so distinct. If you see any of the Wiley stuff around word is buy it as he's threatening not to reissue anything. Eskimo already a collectors item (yikes). There's a rumbling in the gutter, wonder if this kid can keep his crown? Disappointing Social Circles records this fortnight.

Grime and Punishment.

First up respek to me for being the first to use that strap-line and REALLY milk all the attendant overtones out of it. More in our trademark vein of parochial opinion from "my man" Ambrose White:

"holy crap if you are into checking out russian pop, you need to check out Yana Kay. shes not russian, but estonian but she hooks up with the russian garage massive (?!).......... and produces pretty crap garage tunes.

finally for a (now old) funny hardish house tune check akula 'kislotnii people'. banging!"

Ambrose has promised to fill me in on the Moscow Garage scene when he gets back from hanging with the massiv-ski. Is that East enuff for ya!

From Siberia with Love.

Saw a friend today who's just got back from Siberia. Seems my "vision" of ecstacy sweeping Mother Russia isn't all fantasy.

Apparently there the radio plays a cocktail of Adamski, Snap and Abba. My friend, who was visiting a shaman, said she also heard the Fast Food Rockers being caned non-stop. "McDonalds! McDonalds!" I love that tune!

Better still a taxi driver gave her a tape of the latest thing (well she IS a bit foxy!) See the artists's mugshot above and draw your own conclusions. The home-grown house scene is big in Siberia, tracks are FULLY melodramatic with nuff phonetic english: "Oooh Baby I lov you!" Who'd have thunk it!

***Timberlake Disclaimer***

There's been some kind of (mass)debate going on about Justin Timberlake at the moment. I really didn't want to get involved, I mean what's there to say frankly, and actually thought you(s) could do without my opinion on the subject. In spite of this (sighs) I made the mistake of sticking my oar in and putting up a micro-post which I then casually deleted (undergoing a minor crisis-de-blog at the moment).

I've read this and this and this and this and this and you'd think that was enough written on a subject. None of it, however, chimes with my own "feeeelings".

As for Sacha Frere Jones, well I can't help but think that he's tieing himself in knots, trying to understand how his beloved Neptunes got involved with this lame twat. The equation goes like this, the Neptunes are (were) great and they want to work with JT so there must be some kind of value to his work. I mean why settle on Timberlake to back up his "all rock critics* are lame-outs" spiel? Why not Ricky Martin? And that, my friends, as I'm sure some alec smarter than me has pointed out, negates his whole attack. Timberlake is endowed with the trapping of cultural acceptability anyway, argument null and void. Dare to differ, stick up for some real dross!**

To explore this Timberlake thing a tiny bit more (cos the last thing we need is clever talk about fairly clever pop music, hey presto we're back in the Madonna-ology institute). I dislike Timberlake because he's such a wetto. He's not got the courage of his convictions to do something even vaguely transgressive with his sexuality, though he's clearly trying SOMETHING. He's this (obviously mature bloke***) pimping his good looks playing a pwetty boy. I think I like Darius more, he's a real man! I hate Timberlake's fake ass Michael Jackson rip-off. The music is deadeningly limp (it's POP get a proper tune!) Watch him on MTV and he has such a dearth of charisma it's like his videos "lack". Well you might think that's interesting (mmwah mmwah destabilising the conventional product) but actually I think the truth is simpler, he's one fifth**** a pop-star.

He's pants.

There's Gs on these.*

There's Gs on these.*

Still picking up bits and pieces and tuning in occasionally (I have a wife and kid you know, I can't duck off the whole time!) It's as much fun as I get out of modern music these days, a real sense that in 10 years time this will matter. Strange to look at it like this (backwards through a decade-long telescope), but its something like a compliment. This music is SO FRESH its gonna last that long. That poster "Sticky, Semtex etc" is still up on the Eastenders set, though I noticed this evening it's top end has become torn and frayed.

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Major Ace: Countdown Special Delivery.
Decentred hiccoughing intro with a bassline sliding up in the mix. Multi-layered vocals like a Steelie & Cleevie dub. The Countdown rap (10,9,8,7 etc)** tossed back and forth between MC Neat and Major Ace. Confusion Fear of a Black Planet style. Maximalising intensifying deliveries squeezing all the space out of the riddim. Best track thus far this year (coo!).

Boo Kroo: BK Theme.
Touched on at Heronbone. Social Circles! Such style to issue a glorious piss-take like this alongside more "serious" joints, they're not quite V records, more SubBase. Quote: "We join our heroes working on a toon: "eh wat flex we need to make a toon, turn on the Playstation." (Ardkore) Novelty records ahoy! "Cmon guys this is too urban, think of the kids, you've got to go SUBURBAN."

Donao: Bounce (Miami Bass Mix).
Better than the original, by a long shot. Wicked tippity-toes rap by MC Bubble Bomb (?) the track gymnastically switching to Donao's creamy smoove chorus. Wiley disses Donao, and I've heard the Social Circles CD Promo of his solo LP, it's no great shakes, but you gotta hear this.

Shystie-vs-The Streets: I Luv U.
Shystie sounds like a charming young lady (cough). This is a terrible answer record I picked up because I'm a sucker for cheeky mementos. All the sex and drama sucked out of every media whore's favourite record. Heaven knows how they were allowed to used the riddim. I suspect Mike Skinner is lurking somewhere behind this, which leads one to calculate his career is more up the tubes than you'd initially have thought.

Aylesbury All Stars: Buss Red Light.
Suburban nastiness from Buckinghamshire. We're gonna knock you off the road. There's a number on the label so I text it: "JKrime. Lazy Journalist here. Buss Red Light. Would you really knock me off my bike? Peace. M." I should call it but... All those old mobile numbers on old Ardkore 12" White Labels you regret never having the chance to ring, like Gappa G's number on "Roach is Burning". They haven't got back to me yet, presumably consulting a lawyer.

All Out: Live Caller.
Slightly old-skoolish riddim (echoes of Some People's Dangerous) from this Acton crew. The idea is MCs "ring in" to the track and drop their rhymes. Acton is way out west. They're also representing Ealing W13 on this. East is where it's at unfortunately. Incredibly strange how this micro-geographical difference acquires such a massive significance. Still this track is fun and the fact that this is a peripheral record is another reason for it's existence, because the big boys just make riddims these days and save rapping for the PAs and Radio shows.

Youngstarr: Revival.
Boss riddim. Incredible depth to the production which is raw-as-carrots beats. Kind of like Deep Dish meets Rhythmatic (the production on those old Network tracks was pretty bad). Very much derivative of Wiley's sound, and no way as distinctive but pretty damn tuff nonetheless.

Wiley: Igloo Remix and Blue Rizla.
I wanted to buy these, but 8 quid! That's too much for ANOTHER riddim. It's symptomatic of the small runs these records get (1,000?) that the costs of producing them rockets. For 2,000 the producers probably only have to pay a few quid more, but then they can't guarantee to shift 'em. Wiley is an awesomely impressive figure. Right now he's getting stronger, more daring and distinctive every week. I think, no exaggerating here, that he's probably more important than George Clinton, Miles Davis, Jimi Hendrix, Sun Ra and Derrick May rolled into one. You want hyperbole, you've come to the right place. Igloo is overpoweringly funky and strangely for a remix, features drums while the original didn't. Actually fuck it I might have to go and pick these up. Falling for my own hype! What next?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

*eh?
**spelling raps suck, but counting raps...well that's an entirely different matter!

Sean Paul takes a bash-ing.

Lukewarm appraisal for Sean Paul at Blissblog. It should be made abundantly clear that Sean Paul (I don't care if he was born in a rusty bucket at Halfway Tree) is the pwetty mass-market face of dancehall. I cannot stand him. I WILL NOT STAND FOR SEAN PAUL!

Firstly it's that "firstname" "firstname" name. Get a proper moniker mate, like "Shagga Blanks" or "Bimmer Plates" or "The Leopard" or "Dastardley Mutley". Then he has the insult to look like a Calvin Klein underwear model (with his clothes on at least). To make dancehall you HAVE to look like an ugly bastard. This is a time-honoured tradition from Yellowman onwards. The dynamic works like this: Ugly man acquires wealth, fame and beautiful girls through a heady combination of over-powering self-belief, gravelly voice and audience pity (I'm not talking about First World-->Third World pity). I feel no pity for Sean Paul. Only spite.

Wayne Wonder, now that's different, one of the Mrs's favourite tracks is Wayne's "I'd die without you", my own personal lovers-rock favorite from 1992. Sounds just like "Word Beez"-era Scritti. Wayne wins respekt through devotion to the cause. As for the other Diwali interlopers, Lumidee! Too late darling. Word on the grapevine is that Elton John is planning to do a take on the riddim!* I've done my own version which is the B-Side to 50 bytes: "In Da Blog", called "Oooh Baby I love you!"

Did anyone see the MTV Base Reggae special the other day. An 'orrible woman in a peaked cap at Tuff Gong with their conspicuously white *new signings*. Are white people allowed to make Reggae? Not if they look like Boyzone, no! And on a fake Reggae bashing tip this from Ozzie Pete. When I get round to it I'll fill you in on my fave dancehall 7"s of the year, maybe even get some mp3 action in there.

Vocal Locals.

Listening to the Mage of Stratford's Reel-to-Reel Garage compilation. Wiley is actually a pretty hot MC in his own right you know. Very angry. Obsessed with having his beats bitten. But what beats! He's really got some crazy heathen bug-eyed cyborg sound.

Thing is Wiley, while great, can't touch Dizzy. Dizzy's voice sounds like a less masculine more winsome more attractive version of Wiley's. All the faults one finds in Wiley's rapping, his sheer bludgeoning beliocosity, his inflexibility, are absent in Dizzy.

Which brought to mind the very similar relationship Lee Perry had with his vocalists. Particularly Junior Byles. Listen to Beat Down Babylon. Byles sounds just like Perry. Only his voice is sweeter and more yielding. Less a strained croon or a mad bark. Actually compared to Wiley Perry is a totally shit MC. Roast Fish and Cornbread (the album Island famously, and I think justly, didnt want to issue) is totally ruined by Perry's idiot ramblings.

And of course the conclusion is that these megalomaniac producers use their alumni to replace their own voices, shape them in their image. Like instruments.

Eastenders.

Monday night. Behind Ian Beal at the market sweet store, as he struggles with his bratty kids ("No you can't talk to Laura"). A vivid red poster, large bold white type:

STICKY
SLIMZEE
SEMTEX

Grime Wave.

Been luxuriating in two C90s sent to me "in da post" by old Iron Chest Heronbone. His fave bits from his favourite shows. It's practically THE DOCUMENT of UK Garage you know. I'll bet in ten years this selection will still be circulating, seriously. This is the living s***. I've done my bit on the FM dial, but I'm always complaining to Luka, (adopts whine) "Luka?....Luka? I tuned in on Wednesday and it wasn't Roll Deep, it was Nigella Lawson on her favourite Bhangra tracks." or "I waited up for the East Connection show and they just played Polish Trance music." Luka has a radio with a golden dial. See when it comes down to it, with such volumes of sounds (and here i'm talking trans-generically) the selekta is EVERYTHING. Big up the Inkredible hulk himself.

First thing I came across which I hadn't heard and which blew me away was Dee from Nasty Crew's Birds in the sky. Orrsome. And actually I found a copy today. Its *NEW* in the shops. You guessed it its a SLOW 'un, hammering the shakuchai-meets-nasal-church-organ preset. Dee saving resources and doing the echo himself "fly fly fly fly". Choirs of loose women fill the studio. All hearteningly R.Kelly on hunger strike. N.A.S.T.Y. Crew, its an acronym you know, Natural Artistic Sounds Touching You.

Secondly, and I'm not going to delve into "The Stratford Tapes" in more detail until I've thoroughly digested them, but Luka has trapped that rare butterfly of a track which blew me away last November. With its "I Love" vocal hook and Ghosts-era Sylvian synth. And if it isn't a bloody Dizzy Rascal tune...I dunno, after all that to-ing and fro-ing. No not "I love you", but off the album I expect. Reynolds is still raving about the LP and we'll see if I can't get a listen off him this weekend.

The riddim which is bussin it right now is Jon E Cash's "Spain" on Black Ops. Its got this flamenco guitar which has been accelerated till it becomes a gothic flutter. Sped up to that point where a rhythm becomes a melody (all you Stockhausen fans).

Not forgetting to mention Simon Sez's "Golly Gosh", which may be a month or so old and tends to be caned for it's instrumental (an anaemic take on DMS's Ardkore classic "Dark Age") rather than the rap. Not peak Social Circles material, but another shovel of earth into the contenders' mass grave.

Finally the MC tune which does it for me now, not spectacular but righteously efficient and sporting an ace production (hey why not!), is MC Dilemma's "What's my name?", your standard Mantronix bleep formation but chunkier with rounder edges and more space. Great unfrilly rap. Lavely!

Pop Shite.

I've been holding back on this one, but now I've played it so hip to the hilt that I'm sick of my face in the mirror, it's time. THE HOUR HAS COME!

There are loads of devices which thorny old theorists use when tackling Pop music. The first being the well-documented form:"Taking-The-Pet-Shop-Boys-Seriously". Or Madonna. Most famous practioner being Simon Frith, who I once accosted* in Glasgow where he was ensconced (multiple resonances there) as I dunno, "leader" of the cultural studies department at The University of Strathclyde. You think I'm a neophyte when it comes to pestering celebrity music theorists? Think again sucker.... If I'm being cruel I'd say that this approach is often a result of the theorist failing to lock gears with more interesting musical currents. Kind of like they're old, disenchanted and idle. Punk didn't deliver. It's all meaningless tosh. Etcetera. Mainly these are excuses and it's just laziness. Pomo shmomo!

One of the other strands is the "Gilded" pop approach. Curiously this has strong roots in Glasgow too, at the hands of Pat "Hue+Cry" Kane, the rocking rector, with musical manifestions in Deacon Blue, Eddi Reader, Simple Minds, The Procalimers, The Blue Nile (ha ha) and Wet Wet Wet. Maybe this is something to do with the outreach of Calvinism. Preacher craning down from pulpit: "Oh no kids! Not that terrible music. You must listen to this Perfect wholesome Pop instead." YUK!

Then there's the Skykicking innovation. Write about Pop which gives you that RUSH. The same dopey meaningless hit you get from Ardcore and Platinum Rap. Don't distinguish. Trust your feelings! Get that pop fix! Ugh! (smacks arm...swoons) Me, I like Tim's approach. I think there's too strong a trace of irony in Morley's angle. Any authenticity is stymied. So what if you piss off the Led Zeppelin fans! When it comes to music I have no truck with irony or camp's kitsch fetish (hate it). However, we ARE talking pop, and the comfort of knowing my own approach (even it's a non-approach) is the little bit of Meta I need.

So here goes (dashing reputation on the rocks) Presenting some of the pop singles of the past two years which I LOVED. Didn't buy 'em, but raced to the telly and turned up the volume. They actually might appear to be quite a "classy" selection. You know Rock Bands, Exotic Curios, "Kylie" but actually this is a list of the direst loathsome junk. I'm not trying to sheen this lot as Perfect Pop.

Coldplay- Clocks.
Crikey. Who'd have thought! Love that rave comedown piano riff!

Lisa TLC- Blockparty.
This is a wee bit hip. Completely Tom Tom Club Wordyrappinghood, right down to the "Iche Ne San Schee" fake Japanese nasal chorus. I adored this track. Forget Aaliyah, this chick was going places...

Shakira- Forever.
Reminded me of middle-of-the-road 80s Pop with a ethno/prog twist. Tracks like Toto's "Africa" and Mike Oldfield's "Moonlight Shadow". I love those tunes, mainly for how they remind me of a happy window in my childhood (!) The video for this was also...ahem...nice. Young lady rolling in mud etc.

Vanessa Carlton- A 1,000 Miles.
Laughed when I read Thurston Moore confessing this had floated his boat. Me too. Actually this is swerving perilously close to a kind of tastefull-ness (DONT FORGET! ALL THIS STUFF IS SHITE!). Vanessa, well she's like a teenage Laura Nyro, aint she.

Kylie Minogue- We Can Be As One.
And Matos liked this too (mentioned not by way of self-defense I promise). Kylie is so terrible. Please NO Kylie-ology! But, yunno, great rushy track. Love the way the hoover riff hangs behind the curling/looping "be as o-o-o-o-ne" chorus.

Foo Fighters- Times like These.
Hated Nirvana. Quite liked the first LP (natch). Foo Fighters, even worse. But damn this track is hot. Kind of Huskers meets anonymous 70s AM rock staple.

Girls Aloud- Good Advice.
Seriously. I like the way they get these girls to ALL half-sing the chorus. Combination of force and apathy. Very slutty.

Who was it who slagged me off for the Jennifer Lopez shite I wrote? Well suck on this lot!

*in a deli.

More FAG Sniping.

Been trying to think why I hate the faux avant-garde so much, and came up with these answers:

1) It aims to discredit music with life, harmony, glamour, street-smarts as somehow occupying a "safe" middle-ground.

2) At the same time it dishonestly tries to preserve a little frisson of youth/glamour/the aforementioned attributes.

This is why I got so much pleasure at hearing Karlheinz Stockhausen slag it off.

Garage Update.

Picked up a copy of deuce magazine. Illuminating and witty. Dizzy Rascal referring to NEW music he sees himself and the newer MCs and producers belonging to: “taking in all the stuff that you hear out there- jungle, garage, ragga, hip-hop.” Dizzy goes on to say “It comes from the ghettos and it’s moved on a step from garage, same way garage moved on a step from jungle. The garage heads might be dissing me now, but they’ll be into it when this sound takes over.” What’s he referring too? The slowed-out UK Bounce? Bashy? Place your bets. As a side note, Luka has caught that rare butterfly of a track I heard last November on C90 and was referring to recently. He thinks it’s as hot and seismic as I do. Maybe you too will get to hear it soon!

deuce also came with a free CD from Dumpvalve Recordings featuring very “Neurogarage” artwork (wireframe 3D) marking it as an update on the slightly lame Neurofunk-era Jungle. Not to be confused with Neuromanticism. On the other hand this collective is almost all black dudes, cue the usual semi-suspect remarks about Black Sci-fi being less myopic, and somehow more interesting. One of the Geeneus riddims featured is called “Detroit”. I’m not sure how much I care about this. Currently heartily cheering on the MCs, not the back-room boys.

Big “special-a-roonie” in the works. One of my record-collector’s drool pieces. So stay tuned.

Ecstatic B-boys on Slight Return.

How I laughed at DJ Hell’s comments at some Miami drinks party, words to the effect of: “Oh yeah man Puffy’s House record’s going to be massive, gonna change the game, squirm-squirm, oh Puffy I love you.” With one eye on International Gigolo’s US sales. Thinking hard with the remaining two brain-cells how he can massage his roster into a Hip-House direction.

Elsewhere Herbert stroking his invisible goatee, musing on this global validation of House music. (By the way I listened to that Herbert record, it is pretty crap. First track’s nice, but just reach for your pre-Marsalis Man with the Golden Arm Soundtrack and THINK.....the original is always better blah, blah, blah, sneer, sneer.)

Apparently Puffy asked Nellee Hooper in Ibiza who he should hook up with to realize his ecstasy fantasies (I didn’t say he had anything approximating a heavy habit, even that he had ever taken the drug). Nellee Hooper says: “Puffy go see the Felix Da Housekatt.” The most sensible thing he did since production on that excellent Naomi Campbell record. I cherish my copy, the only one sold in London. But bitching aside, Hip-House IS Chicago innit. Fast Eddie, Chip E, and Doug Lazy.

It’s a weird development, which I’m almost certain will have no impact on mainstream American hip-hop, despite it having it’s own Xtacy dream a year or so ago in the hands of Ja Rule, Missy Elliott, et al. Puffy’s a distant iconic figure, lacking the rhizomatic connection to the underground to kick off a cultural turn-around.

Funny that the context of this potential explosion is the Platinum. B-Boys on ecstasy in the UK (where it’s flourished) have always swung more towards a marijuana/ecstasy combo rather than the courvoisier/cristal/cocaine/ecstasy cocktail which floats the US scene. B-Boys on "X" here (in consequence?) have always been gutter psychonauts. The likes of Shut Up and Dance, DJ Crystl and Dizzy Rascal. Puffy’s gonna be all glossy and sumptuous with Felix’s lush productions. Isn’t Da Housekatt in a new UK commercial? I swear that’s him.

All this time I was in a chalet at Butlins in Skegness. As luck would have it Luka was staying in a caravan on one of the nearby sites with his wife and five kids. Luka told me over a chip butty that Puffy has his own dedicated goatee stylist (THIS IS TRUE!)

Fashionable Reggae.

It really suprised me to hear Reynolds piping up in favour of Ragga. He's usually so self-conciously "off-the-money".

I'm not going to go into a historical protestation of who got there first, for one you've heard quite enough of the pathetic justifications of my own suavity, but also because in this instance not looking down the barrell of history (Back to Ragga in 1991) is more illuminating. Truth is someone who was tuned into Ragga two or three years ago (which as his luck would have it Simon was....you can relax big man) would stand a better chance of convincing me they were down with the programme than someone who was tuned in in the early nineties (scoffs-who wasn't!)

If you were buying Ragga two years ago, in my opinion, you would have been wasting your cash. Lloyd Bradley was on pretty safe turf in sticking the knife in it at the end of Bass Culture (no Basslines, Tut! Tut!) Though he changed his tune in time for that three part BBC Documentary on Reggae, with Elephant Man embodying the carnival-esque. Moi, at the time I was heartily sick of the lack of anything to hum along to in Dancehall, and retreated to the perfectly respectable but unadventurous habit of picking up snapshot comps, then wondering why the hell I bothered. Mo Wax's brave Ragga Dub comp fell on stony ground (yeah I'm gonna stick up for Lavelle! SO WHAT! Back off you gits!) However now, pretty suddenly, we've got loads of great tunes. A whole Bashy Culture crying out for Ragga and even Steve 'Roots' Barrow chastising us for not being hip to Lenky's Diwali. Me, I've been back at the coalface for a couple of months hewing out 7"s which I like the sound of (screw other people's reccomendations). It's bloody marvellous.

As for being self-conciously "off-the-money", this I want to explore. I'm currently so sickened by the wall of Good/Bad taste which has been erected here at the blogs that I've come *this* close to shutting down. Good/Bad taste? What's that? Good/Bad taste was Lester Bang's invention and Reynold's took the ball and ran with it. Good/Bad taste is GENUINELY liking things which infuriate your bohemian mates, half enjoying the fact that it pisses them off. Thing is, online all the disparate practioners of Good/Bad taste are able to hang-out together. Who is there to annoy! Only eachother in an ever escalating war of Good/Bad taste. I actually set out on the way to work this morning to find a copy of Smash Hits with the idea of scouring it for the most hateful looking boy-band with the express intention of scanning in their picture and writing non-ironically about how much I liked them, without recourse to comparing their lesser known B-side to The Pop Group and Jimmy Cauty's Brilliant. Just to fuck everyone off and wilfully destroy my tiny audience. In fact I would do it (threatens readers) were it not for the fact that it would just be the most arch example of Good/Bad taste ever (see Marcello on Girls Aloud!) I dunno. Where next eh! Any of the assembled masses up for a match of BrokenBeat-vs-Microhouse, bagsy be extra-long leg!

Animal Collective at the Rough Trade Shop.

Download here.

Local Violence.

I was *this* close to going to this party. I saw this flyer in the back of RWD mag which I picked up from Rhythm Division. It was just down the round (I live off Old Street) and had a great line-up (Roll Deep. FULL ENTOURAGE!). Luckily I was in Glasgow.

Look what happened!........There are still big yellow notices up on the bridge at the foot of the Clerkenwell Road and Theobald's Road requesting people come forward to report any info about Jason Fearon's shooting. Very ghoulish.This weirdly local situation was compounded to by the fact that The Guardian's offices, who report on it, are about 50 yards from Turnmills. Gangsta is a scary horrible thing. One day, after years of glorifying sonic violence, I'm gonna get my come-uppance. Where's that Avant-Folk CD?

Stores.

In total agreement with Simon over Rough Trade. I do rely on them enormously for that central body of music (indie-tronica+++) and they are generally pretty catholic. But YES no UK Garage! Simon cites the work of Paul Kennedy at Tower NYC; over here the only people (outside the small coterie of Planet Phat, Rhythm Division, Uptown and Blackmarket) who dealt with it were another flexi-giant, HMV on Oxford Street- but they've since dropped the ball.

In Rough Trade's favour Darren in Covent Garden (who I hit in person with my URL last Friday, if you're reading this mate, hi!) does stock Ragga, which is almost foolhardy in the face of market forces. I mean how many people really buy it? However, I'm a little imp when it comes to things like this, and (not wanting to overturn any apple-carts here, HEAVEN FORBID!) should Rough Trade start stocking UKG I'd probably take it as a sign of that scene's imminent collapse. Certainly I think I only ever bought a very few Jungle records from them.

And while I'm on the "react-to-reynolds-tip" have been mulling over this 70% thing (safe within the walls of a secure mental institution). There must be a point at which these scenes (UKG and Hip-Hop) become severed from their hot plastic mass and float like bubbles in a Mathmos lamp to the surface. That's the point when they stop being "real" in a sense and start to "project". Maybe that's also the point when HIP institutions (like Rough Trade) start to stock their stuff. Though certainly I'd have to tie myself up in theoretical knots to figure out how Platinum rap fitted into this equation.

Slow Garage.

Luke's bemoaning the new East Connection track going at hip-hop pace. And the new Heartless Crew track is also 2/3 speed. What did I tell you! Things are slowing down. It's probably bad news, kids getting "serious", talking in wack yankee accents. Anybody remember that DJ Crystl "Perpetual Motion" track, slow drum and bass (hardly heralded a revolution, unless Adam F is Napoleon) though maybe "scene-wide" things may be different? Be careful what you wish for!

Pulselessprogramming.

Pulseprogramming by Tulsa comes with such a hip cachet. All the right people have given it the thumbs up, it comes in a great sleeve (opening up into a house, which, slightly drunk on friday, I performed for my bemused young student colleagues), it's pre-packed with supa dupa reference points (United States of America, Young Marbe Giants, Bjork, Herbert, Shantel) it's got a svelte self-concious production etc etc etc.

But guess what! It's a complete load of shite. It's a damp squib. It's a coffee-table record for people without furniture. I quote:(Subtle) whine, (Subtle) whine, drip, plink plonk, (gentle) echo. Aaaaaaargh. Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh! AAAAAARRRGGGGHHH! (That was me screaming by the way).

The problem is, as I see it, to make what is post-World-of-Echo innerspace music you need to be much more fucked up than these people clearly aren't. You need a well of neurosis and preferrably LSD-induced brain damage, failing that post-MDMA trauma will do. Otherwise the music you make is as stimulating as looking into an empty bucket. Oh and you need talent.

Parallel Garage II

OH FUCK!....Luka wants to be Jesus.....here we go again.........

If UK Garage is indeed a parallel universe Hackney is Jerusalem, Bow is Assyria, Rhythm Division (on Roman Road) is the Ark of the Covenant, Deja Vu is the Dead Sea Scrolls, Rinse FM is the New Testament, Dizzy is Pontius Pilate, So Solid are the Roman Garrison, Nasty Crew are the Phillistines, David Blunkett is Judas Iscariot, Reynolds is Moses, I'm Lazarus, Phil Sherburne is doubting Thomas, and Luke, well Luke is Jesus innit.

Parallel Garage.

If UK Garage is indeed a parallel universe, Hackney is Westminster and Bow is Chelsea, Planet Phat is Harrods, Deja Vu is Radio 2, Rinse is Radio One, Dizzy is Tony Blair, Nasty Crew are the Conservatives, Luka is Victor Lewis-Smith and Reynolds is Aristotle.

Techno Riddims.

Readers may recall my comments re:Garage riddims being "not much without an MC". More recently have had my socks rocked and head turned by trax which have made me flash on the oevre of one of my all-time heroes, Chicago's hard jacking Steve Poindexter. Wizzbit's "Jam Hot" even has a looped refrain "Jam Hot" which I swear I've heard before, maybe it's the passing resemblance to Reese's "Bounce your body to Box" or Paperclip People's "Jam the Box" (Detroit, Chicago, whatever!)

It seems like stations who can rent a dizzyingly verbose MC are not the norm. Those minimal backing tracks must often suffice on their own. Who cares when they're as fucked up as 2nd II None's "Bulldozer", Big Shot's "Glitch", Wizzbit's "Jam Hot", the Menta Remix of Jammin's "Tonka" or Slimzos "2"?

Whither the sumptuous 3d bounce of Pay as U Go Kartel's "Champagne Dance" or London Dodger's "Down Down Biznizz"? These heartless rhythms are mechanoid and spasticised. Minimal not as in (post-Einstein) Phil Glass. This, like old Chi-town j-j-j-jack, is minimal by virtue of being utilitarian. Utilitarian because they're someone's drug-noise. These are tracks in the truest sense: mono-directional lateral horizontal, broken only by the punctuation of the gap.

It's tempting to assume that somewhere along the line production knowledge has been lost by the wayside (depth of sound so often means production "skill" as in Deep Dish and Brian Transeau, however lets not forget "skill" as in Martin Zero). Tellingly the richest production of the aforementioned is by "nearly-old-skooler" Menta (see the DND spiel), here brilliantly salvaging a humourless Jammin track on the Bingo Beats label, (which along with the work of El B nearly stymied my love of da garage). The 2d bite of these other riddims is basic in comparison, raw and flat like a Van Gogh.

Do I miss the MCs? Nah! I do my own rapping whilst washing-up Louis Theroux style: "I like a glass of wine etc".

This month has brought a rare chance for me to meet the glocals at the deeply creative Norfolk Windmills (Hi Jess!) and mind blogglingly brilliant Heronbone (the Luke of repute); also another virtual Eastender Position Normal dropped me a line to point me to his new website. Say hi too to the Glaswegian-without-organs too at David Howie's pensive i have zero money

Big blog highlights included The Astronaut's Notepad's Sunblindness list (tape of this too please Jon!), Reynolds peeling off his gasmask and white gloves and marching against the war, Marcello writing movingly on the Sensational Alex Harvey Band (it mattered not a jot if you've heard the records). "Oh Ambassador with these free-range music journals you are really spoiling us......"

UK (Gabba-Gutter-Garridge) Bounce Update.

Not so many MC tracks in the shops at the moment, airwaves pumping though. Recent purchases "Strike da Match" (and it's almost drumless riddim) and "Vice Versa" (any sexual politics rap has to worth hearing). Don't ask me who the artists are- white labels are giving nothing away.

Simon and Tim have mentioned Wiley's riddims "Eskiboy" and "Freeze". I like the "Gunshot" riddim the best with it's likkle Tabla fill. These tracks are purely utilitarian, designed (karaoke-style) for anyone to rap over on the pirates. Great riddims but nothing without an MC. I cant imagine listening to them for kix (well maybe?) Lets just hope that all this doesnt mean that the MC is moving back to Pirate Radio and Dancehall mic. No great shame if you're in London with an FM aerial perhaps, but maybe we're less likely to see slabs of ART.......

Simon is reporting (via Luke-drop me a line bud) a one riddim LP in circulation proving incontrovertably the UK's rapping is JA-centric. Uh Oh! Right from 1974 Jamaica and Rupie Edwards pioneering "Yamaha Skank" LP this was a bad (meaning not good) thing. It's a healthy thing to Version, but mainly beacuse it'll produce 1 or 2 successful experiments. This doesn't mean I want to hear ALL the experiments! Lets hope we don't get "one-riddim-mania" like JA, although occasionally a one-riddim ragga radio mix can be wicked. Ever heard any of those one riddim dubs where you'll get 20 artists jabbering simultaneously? Now that is trippy. The producers love it, less work natch, and occasionally a good ragga riddim LP surfaces, (although I've never bought one) but it can stifle creativity and variety can't it?

Still the pirates are firing, and these super clean minimal riddims mean we can hear what's being said, a development in itself.