Had a small scuffle with Stuart of Glasgow's Vinyl Freaks this weekend. He suggested I check his under-the-counter Hip-Hop pile, bought in by someone needing a few stiff drinks to go with the Easter sunshine (surely a smarter man than me!). Nothing there, all Sub-Platinum dross. Stuart suggested half-jokingly I check the new Jennifer Lopez record....WHAAAT...I quickly regained my cool and told him I already had a copy.*
My lovely wife has had to put up with me swearing and cursing at Lopez everytime she comes on the TV. I really REALLY can't stand her. She's the most unbearably mediocre actress (practically unwatchable) added to which she is a pathetically uncommitted popstar. Two halves here make an eighth. None of her records possess a tune, and at the level at which stars like her and Madonna (for instance) operate you just BUY tunes. You don't have to write them. You have the cream of a generations failed indie pop stars foisting their often exquisitely pretty efforts on you. People like Guy Chambers Robbie Williams's ex-World Party sidekick (woops Robbie fired him...no new good tunes anymore) or Pink's Linda Perry from 4 Non Blondes. How difficult is it to pick a catchy song? You'd have to be completely stupid if you have that kind of money to invest in the operation, and there is no shortage of money behind Lopez, I'm suprised she's profitable with what must be the most gigantic PR bill ever. You can only imagine my glee when I heard MC Pitman refer to her as having a "face like a plate", suggesting he "eat his chips and beans off it".
After laying all this on Stuart, who I had to prod awake at the end, he opined that a mate of his had an uncontainable venomous spite towards Lopez. He throws things at the TV. Delivered in Stuart's Glaswegian brogue it sounded yet more intense and scary than my own "hate-offering".
A short lull as I wade through a pile of Library Records.
"But you know Stuart, I quite like that new single of hers with LL Cool J." And its true, I do. Looks like she finally took my advice and got herself a tune. I actually emailed Guy Chambers off his website mid-writing this.....I wonder if I can persuade him to write her a nouveau-McCartney Gangsta's Moll Hip-Hop Ballad. "All I Have" captures in it's repetitive infolding melody the endlessly looping bittersweet fear one has when one needs to leave someone. LL does a sensible job. As sensible as his wearing a mobile phone earpiece in the video, WAY TO GO BAD BWOY! LL's been a marked man since I Need Love, and is truly Hip-Hop's greatest survivor. He's Hip Hop's Rod Stewart as I explained to the tartan Stuart. Don't worry Stu! Rod will return home one day.
*That was a joke all you Merzbow fans.
Posted by Woebot at April 23, 2003 07:38 AM